Where I belong.

My fast paced life seems to have come to a screeching halt. Not even a screech actually, just a silent stop. Engulfing me is a weird feeling. Like I have been running for a long time and almost suddenly I reached a dead end. The end of a road with only darkness. An authoritative darkness. This is not a crossroad, where I am supposed to chose a path. I have come face to face with a crossroad too, trust me, this isn't that. This is a cul-de-sac with no options, no choices.

Life seems meaningless. Pointless. Directionless.
Its not as if I am unsatisfied or depressed, its just that everything and everyone seems futile. My friends and acquaintances appear as mere passing phase. I talk to them, laugh with them but I don't feel a part of that conversation or that joke. I feel unaccustomed to living in this strange world around me. As if, this is not where I belong. Or this is some transient destination in which I have stayed for too long and that I should now, depart. To a familiar place, towards my journey's end. 

And like someone who is fed up of waiting for the scheduled bus for too long, loses interest in his surroundings, I too am nonchalant to all that encircles me.

This apathy of my weakening soul is completely new for me. Never have I experienced such a dead end. This desire to dwell somewhere I am not sure exists. Even if it exists, how am I supposed to reach there? My path to progress has been dismantled. My dreams not shattered but abducted.
Until now, I had been a very optimistic person, always finding a speck of light among the darkest of dudgeons but right now, its different. 

I can't even say that its time to move on or start afresh because from where should I begin and to where am I supposed to move on?

Is it some sort of a cruel ugly game or a sleep disturbing nightmare? I hope it is and it ends soon. Very soon. Else this grave like atmosphere would gobble me slowly but surely. 
I am dying to struggle, to fight. To barge again into this shattering world of cut throats and selfish smiles. To run again. And faster. To feel that yes, I do belong here. Somewhere. Anywhere.

'Tryst with a night'

This is not the first time that I sit under the open sky admiring its vastness. Stars like dew on delicate petals attract me ever since I learnt to recite 

'Twinkle, twinkle little star

how I wonder what you are

up above the world so high

like a diamond in the sky'

Back then and even today I genuinely wonder what they are? Keeping aside the elaborate and complex explanations presented in the physics textbooks, that's not alluring in the least!

I visualize them through the depth of my eyes and the window of my soul. I trust them more than the complicated and ever changing theories of physics. However it still is a mystery. A mystery that unfolds every night. Night after night.

To me its a different world. A world so serene, a world so secure. Why can't the stars and the mushy breeze stay with me, within me forever?

They say that after every night comes a bright day but it never sounds pleasing to me.Instead I want to be blanketed in the laps of this night. Caressed by the winds and protected by the sky.

This tryst with the night is ever so beautiful, so fascinating and so mysterious.

Plunging into the colossal sky I experience freedom and let my mind wander with those mysteries. hugging them tight.

Walking over the known and the unknown together is a passion infinitely pleasurable.

Gossiping into the ear of night those little words of joy and sorrow, the turmoils of the sun.

I have trusted this tryst with innumerable songs. The soft winds press upon me kisses so enchanting that I touch the divine and the divine swathes me.

PS - Written on one such night....this tryst continues till the suns ray breaks my reverie....

My wonderland :)

My dear readers - From now on I will try and be more regular and loyal to blogging .Got to read many of you and write a lot of good stuff too, so stay connected! :D

And now, beginning on a 'love note'

You and I

miles apart

so close still

its a wonderland

our worlds so aloof

parallel paths

somehow merge in one

its a wonderland

our eyes never meet

yet the same moon

shines on us both

its a wonderland

no beary hugs

still the divine light

en-wraps us tight

its a wonderland

we live by faith

not by sight

bridging through insight

its a wonderland

not stolen kisses

but the sweet nothings

tie us till eternity

its a wonderland

I know not his touch

he is unaware of my gaze

but ubiquitous is love

its a wonderland

so far and far

each little moment

a blissful delight

its a wonderland

unrevealed is his scent

veiled is my beauty

so strongly tangible still

its a wonderland

neither flowers nor rings

the words are our gift

to make the heart ecstatic

its a wonderland

stars testify our bond

imaginary yet so real

not a fairy's world

its a GIRL'S wonderland !

Snow

Late in the evening 

snow begins to fall

little insignificant flakes

drapes mountains and homes

lush, pure and calm

like a sea painted white

serene as it flutters

gentle as in sways

In a valley exists a town

a little unheard one

with a dim lit cottage

wildflowers and soft grasses

amidst the mountain range

sits a girl besides the window pane

snow ruffles her dreams

that's her belief

in the loneliness of nights

snow flickers like hope

delighting her yearnings

sharing lost dreams

the silence of snow

talks of untold desires

on petite white flakes

swings endless mysteries.

Not a love story.

He ditched me again today.  This thought had always escorted itself with a wish. A wish of him abandoning me for ever. But maybe, infact  most certainly playing with my feelings was his favourite game, a pass time and an addiction.

I sat on my terrace, watching the infinite sky yet my mind wandered in the vicinity.

'Hi baby! am back' he startled me with his usual tone and pecked my cheeks.

I managed a smile, a bitter one but he realized not. After all I was a mere play board for him.

'the sky looks so beautiful and you are equally gorgeous. So lets dance, c'mon give me your hand'

He notoriously offered his hand to me. 

I sat still eyeing the floor as if ignorant to his deceptions and frauds.

The reality was that he couldn't understand what went within me.

Its indeed strange how love, which made you so strong once could turn into your biggest weakness.

And the pain which is suppose to make you weak can provide you strength to endure so much.

I gave him my hand - again.

There had been a time when his slight touch, even his gaze could set my heart racing and blood gushing.

Today, however in spite of us being so close I felt nothing. All emotions eluded me. 

He started stroking my hair and gently whispered 'you are the most important part of my life'

I died a little more inside.

Its sad but like happiness, pain isn't infectious. 

It never 'spreads out' rather 'seeps deep in' and kills you moment by moment. word by word.

We then sat like a perfect couple.  'baby I cant imagine my world without you' 

He once again throw ed his friendly dice.

I died a little more inside.

People may wonder why I said nothing. Some of you may even verdict my act as naive or pity me but I choose to experience it and let the agony kill my love.

 

Coz harbouring mixed feelings is his trait. 

For me its absolute - either perfect love or pure hatred.

Till then I choose to nurture hatred like I once intoxicated your love.

I choose to suffer in silence.

Unimpeded....

Taking hold of me

from dawn to dusk

and dusk to dawn

in blooms and flush

desires never die

unconsciously they lie

flourishing like weeds

causing untold miseries

spinning concentric webs

thread by thread

entangling and breaking, entangling again

futile is to impede

amorphous kindling aspirations

setting up wildly like a storm

rooting deep to the deepest

outgrowing the tallest of trees

I fight and I resist

those arrays of emotions

but there is no holding them

futile is to impede

neither meaningful words

nor soulful talks

can subdue those temptations

and futile is to impede....

mystical dreams..... part -3

PART-1

PART-2

 "Its not just today

and never would a day come

when the world around

won't coerce me

that my existence is incomplete

without you besides me"

she whispered senselessly to her soul which appeared as insatiable as it had been years ago. 

yes! Many years had now passed but her relentless search only got deepened.

 Her friend had advised her to give it up and consult a psychiatrist however she knew well that no person by mere hallucinations or repressions could free her soul of it. 

A soul that was now completely drenched in that world of dreams. 

A soul that had now tasted the bitter sweet demeanour of forbidden magic.

she was totally possessed in it, of it and for it!! there was no way out except to wade in further.

This was NOT love, it had transformed into a limbo or maybe a state of trance which continued to get unquenchable each passing second.

she had left her job long back, her own house, family, belongings, whatever that belonged to her and to where she belonged was now simply a state...a state of nothingness and timelessness.

"the dawn is not distance, nor is the night starless;love is eternal".

she again murmured to herself trudging through by the glint of the night.

suddenly as if the whole words bedazzled or struck by lightening...she saw his face! 

It was really him standing on the other side of the road!

That same tall attractive gentleman dressed in a glossy black suit teamed with a navy blue tie..the same man who had stolen all her dreams to make them his own, that same man who dictated her entire being for years now!

She felt herself en captured by a divine spell in those long seconds, the world had widened much beyond horizons or was it shrinking onto hers?

There was pain , fright, desire, anger, impatience, irritation, excitement, pleasure all at once in her soul.

her quest had reached its brim and emotions ran like wild horses..'a few steps more and it will all be hers..this mystery would no longer haunt her soul' she thought.

He stood still at the opposite side staring at her even now.

1...2...3...she had galloped to the other side at an impulse!

crash!

xxxxx 

Her eyes open, where is she? At the middle of a road it seems!

She can feel something is wrong with her, her blood seems to ooze out slowly but there is no pain.

She lies there numb and dizzy but there was no desire to get away. Being completely aware of her fate and also the fate of the man beside her in deep slumber some distance away.

she looked at him..but alas! He is NOT there...she can now see him EVERYWHERE! all around, in all direction, at all ends!

she dare not close her eyes..is this an illusion? no it cant be!

Now he is beside her again, a faint smile lits her face as she finally closes her eyes. forever this time.

No more mirages.

No more mysteries.

Just the mystical kingdom of her dreams.

Illusions have accepted her soul in their world...realities could wait for another life now.

Hub( attraction) and Maut(Death) are but shades of an eternal journey called love!

xxx THE END xxx 

CREDITS: 

Ancient Arabic Literature says that there are Seven Shades of Love - 1. Hub (Attraction), 2. Uns (Infatuation), 3. Ishq (Love), 4.Aquidat (Reverence), 5. Ibadat (Worship), 6. Junoon (Obsession) and 7. Maut (Death) [ Read it as a friend's status on Facebook ]

Thanks to one of my sweetest friend in blog-o-sphere Sadiya Merchant for giving me the inspiration and much needed motivation to pen up something which was very close to my heart yet I had no idea how to put it up in words :-)

mystical dreams.....

She lay there numb and dizzy but there was no desire to get away. Being completely aware of her fate and also the fate of the man beside her in deep slumber some distance away.

she looked at him profoundly and immediately her mind flew off to the time she had first seen him

"Brida? Paulo? " he exclaimed!

"what?"  she lifted her head slightly and passed on a puzzled look to the tall gentleman standing in front of her. gentleman because of his well groomed appearance , dressed in a glossy black suit teamed with a navy blue tie, he appeared rather attractive to her.

" The book " . he smiled pointing to the novel in her hand.

she was now beginning to get annoyed at his uninvited remarks. " yes! It is brida by paulo coelho and I happen to read it , any problem"? ! she clamoured at him , shutting the book loudly.

" Brida makes a good read, and somehow I feel you'd be able to connect with it heavily". saying this he walked off and so briskly that she couldn't utter even a word!

"strange" ! she murmured and settled once again to continue her story.

xxxxxxxxxx

She woke up breathing heavily , nauseated and drenched in a cold sweat. Immediately gulping a glass of water on her bedside table she pinched herself to convince on the fact that the reverie was broken.
It was not for the first time that she dreamt it all . 
The palace- adorned with precious, twinkling jewels , those silky shining red carpets, curtains that flung to and fro divinely, a beautiful bird in the golden cage, a throne so majestic that eyes forgot to blink and she, sitting amidst all the royalty.the princess of this kingdom.To her it all belonged and it was her aura that made it gleam even more.

but today her dreams had startled her,even in her own dream! today,the mystic lights around the palace couldn't trap the white haze, today the winds were gentle and hypnotic. Neither the royal curtains nor the carpets could hush up a presence.His presence,so strong that it was beginning to make her vulnerable! who was he? some traveler or maybe a king from a tribe of a far-way land? with a charisma so splendid that even the princess was spellbound, indifferent of her own royalty.

suddenly 'he' emerged out of a wavering mist dawning in front of the throne.Raising her dark hued eyes she let them meet his and went numb!

This was precisely the moment that had shut off the windows to a dream of hers. How was it possible? how could the mist descend to lay on a reality? a reality, yet so strange and unknown.
No, no! something is wrong! with these thoughts in mind she walked downstairs, aware of her steps, her surroundings but unaware that her world lay somewhere behind those cloudy appearances.

To be continued...... 

PART - 2 
PART-3 

haiku challenge day-26

clouds and space conquered

endless enthusiastic glide
freedom at last

written for the

haiku challenge day-19

a shackling quake

tossing feebly on ground

debris of my dreams

written for the

haiku challenge day-2

Reverie unbroken

innocent discoverer

in deep slumber.








written for the

She sees it all.......

She sees it all,

In scattered letters and unveiled cards,

myriad of memories found and lost,

moments flash. some brewed together others distinct and unattached.

she sees it all,

In an empty glass,

showered love and sleepless nights,

lullaby on lips and hands that care.

she sees it all,

In fallen leaves,

a broken family and loved ones so grieved,

quelling all dreams,

the spirit fell through,

like tattered clothes that never sew.

she sees it all,

in the deserted house,

her mother's essence in every bit,

untouched jewellery and a sweater half knit,

each little thing speaks her words,

empty kitchen sings voices unheard.

here,she rests on the green grass,

recollecting hazy,misty appearances,

with scattered letter and unveiled cards,

she sees it all, lives it all.

BEING ME .....

As I woke up in the middle of the night,

a strange voice caught my sight,

the voice was soft,seeping through the door,

still it pierced my heart deep down to the core.

It spoke about what lay within me,

"appearances are deceptive,

staying true to your own self is the key".

I wished to feel pretty,

I desired to feel loved,

I wished I could sometimes,

be in a world where I stood high and above.

But wishes may be countless,

and creating dreams may be free,

life has greater purposes,

and there is only one chance to be me.

"Being pretty is not what counts" she said,

"neither being above all is greatness,

it's the unsaid acts of kindness,

that make you feel blessed".

I pledged then and there,

to seek goodness everywhere,

I will treat others the way i want to be treated,

I will smile and make everyone else's day better,

I will stand on my morals and ways,

and in the end....

I will be there for my own self always