Where I belong.

My fast paced life seems to have come to a screeching halt. Not even a screech actually, just a silent stop. Engulfing me is a weird feeling. Like I have been running for a long time and almost suddenly I reached a dead end. The end of a road with only darkness. An authoritative darkness. This is not a crossroad, where I am supposed to chose a path. I have come face to face with a crossroad too, trust me, this isn't that. This is a cul-de-sac with no options, no choices.

Life seems meaningless. Pointless. Directionless.
Its not as if I am unsatisfied or depressed, its just that everything and everyone seems futile. My friends and acquaintances appear as mere passing phase. I talk to them, laugh with them but I don't feel a part of that conversation or that joke. I feel unaccustomed to living in this strange world around me. As if, this is not where I belong. Or this is some transient destination in which I have stayed for too long and that I should now, depart. To a familiar place, towards my journey's end. 

And like someone who is fed up of waiting for the scheduled bus for too long, loses interest in his surroundings, I too am nonchalant to all that encircles me.

This apathy of my weakening soul is completely new for me. Never have I experienced such a dead end. This desire to dwell somewhere I am not sure exists. Even if it exists, how am I supposed to reach there? My path to progress has been dismantled. My dreams not shattered but abducted.
Until now, I had been a very optimistic person, always finding a speck of light among the darkest of dudgeons but right now, its different. 

I can't even say that its time to move on or start afresh because from where should I begin and to where am I supposed to move on?

Is it some sort of a cruel ugly game or a sleep disturbing nightmare? I hope it is and it ends soon. Very soon. Else this grave like atmosphere would gobble me slowly but surely. 
I am dying to struggle, to fight. To barge again into this shattering world of cut throats and selfish smiles. To run again. And faster. To feel that yes, I do belong here. Somewhere. Anywhere.

Teaching me to fly again...

Life is a long trail of ups and downs. Sometimes, we find ourselves reaching a peak of ecstasy whereas at other moments we lie deep down amidst the bottomless roots.

 These unforgettable instances of life teach us a million new things of importance and build in us a courage as sturdy as a mountain. The irony is that we tend to remember the low points in our lives more distinctly and easily than the moments of elation. 

Maybe, pain resonates at a much more closer and deeper level than happiness. Or maybe, we as humans find peace in glorifying our pains.

Although, at times when God seems to test us beyond our capabilities, we get too immersed in the very idea of pain and fail to glorify or justify it. At times like these, we need to share it. We need to vent it out. We need someone who can at least take off the burden of our problem, even if it be a delusional thing to do.

A few years back when I was going through an exceptionally bad phase in my life I realized how a simple act of sharing my woes could provide me an optimism to carry on and win back my confidence.

I had lost a loved one, my best friend had snapped all contacts with me, my mother was quite unwell and I was not in talking terms with my elder brother due to some stupid reasons. In short, life was totally drenched in gloom and I could not find any reason to hope for the arrival of spring.

It was not feasible to share my troubles with my mom because of her health issues and my best friend was nowhere in sight to lend me a helping hand. So basically, I was left alone to tackle this emotional torture. 

It was during those days, I had got back in touch with a teacher of mine through Facebook. She used to teach me mathematics and English when I was a primary school student, later she married and went to Australia. She was more than a teacher to me and I adored her for all the special attention I got from her, be it watching movies together or enjoying a day out shopping.

So naturally when I got back in touch with her we began writing to each other every day and sharing all the nutty-gritty’s of life. It was in one of those mails that I wrote to her how my life was a complete mess at that time and I out poured all that accumulated within me in that email to her.

She called me the same day in the evening and I started crying hysterically on the phone. We talked for more than an hour that day. She poured in the much needed words of optimism and wisdom.

Then she used to call me every day and like an elder sister, she would keep uplifting my spirits and helping me move on. Slowly, I started to cry less and talk more. She even suggested me a few books that really bought back the optimism in me.

 It’s true that our loved ones are angels sent by God to lift us up when our own wings have trouble remembering how to fly. Being #together is the ultimate joy of life and although it may sound cliched but happiness doubles when shared and sorrow truly vanishes when we have a shoulder to cry on!

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Dear broken heart

Dear broken heart

Nostalgic, I am beginning this letter. Amidst my moist eyes flow the carefree and bygone days of innocent and insensitive childhood.
Ah! You were so strong and lively like April days! Full of warmth, joy and hope. Weren't you? Beaming with positive energy, running like the bright rays of yellow sun. Too delighted to know the subtle nuances of life. Too occupied in your own existence.

But, the rays of this crisp and bright sun slowly yet inevitably began to change direction. Paving their way to noon. When the sun shines violently and piercingly hot! It was puberty time. You jumped into the hormonal rush. This whirlpool of hostile hormones. A few nano-grams of rise in them and love touched you.

That soft, irresistible, maddening touch of love. You lost all control over thyself. Didn't you oh my dear heart? You misunderstood and started believing life to be a bed of red roses- fresh and fragrant and dare I say you were wrong in your assumption, until one fateful day. The day when thorns of the same roses pricked you, deeply and painfully.

How can I forget the first time you broke? When eyes shed tears of turmoil, mind too numb to console you. You fell apart.There was anguish,melancholy,dejection,fury fear, hatred. Feelings seemed to be scattered and toppled over each other.
The agony was immense and intense. The year passed at an average pace and soon April days were back. What happened in between is a tale of tears, woes and hopelessness and you wouldn't want me to repeat the same to you am sure.

So the sunny April returned with a new zeal and hope! You were happy again. Humming tunes of spring and flowers and gay days. Bustling with rejuvenated energy and radiance. Ready to dance again. Ready to LOVE again!
Although somewhere a deep scar had settled which refused to heal yet you moved on.

Some months past and harsh winds of solitude knocked your door again. Chilling you nerves and shaking you all over. You broke again. This time the jolt was even more powerful, the crash louder and pain penetrated deeper.
All hopes of recovering or reinventing happiness were lost. It is the end, mind had said. But was it really?

Oh! my dearest heart I remember every single night you spent crying and wetting the pillow. Sometimes regretting, sometimes shouting and most often sitting in solitude, pondering over what went wrong. I wish I could heal you, treat you! This sickening feeling of lost love is beyond all repair. Except for time. Time is the drug we need. And strangely its about time that you understood it.
This time the scar had grown terribly. Healed only superficially. You now fear rejection and dejection. You can't love boldly but weigh in the hits and misses. You weigh the loses and love seizes to mean everything it did yesterday.

They say why O why have you turned so weak? Almost a coward? Or maybe too selfish to think beyond your own gains?
But my lovely heart, I know and I understand you. I have seen the ups and downs you faced. I feel your scar and the hidden old pain arising out of it. You are not a coward or a selfish little thing. You are vulnerable and wounded. Its almost natural to be your guard and sensible too. Although I know it still my advice may seem a little too unexpected to you. But bear with me, for I only wish the best for you.

DON'T stop loving. You are unguarded and fragile, which makes you worthy of more love. More kisses and more hugs. The risk in thinking selflessly for someone else maybe huge but believe me, thee are so many like you, wishing and waiting for someone who could gallantly face the risk.

And as they say, when you nurse a broken heart, you heal yours too. So isn't this risk worth being taken?  Get up dear heart! Pray, I ask you to walk out of that walled room and face the winter fog bravely and April shall arrive soon. Sooner than you think and when it sees you glow with so much sunshine and love, I bet its here to stay. Stay forever!

Wishing you warmth and affection
Me

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The Paradox.

 The working of nature is paradoxical.
Universal yet so unique.
Defy each other on one hand and connect on the other.
They are determinative yet absolute.
They remain revealed yet so mysterious....just like our relations...

When two people meet, little do they know what their entwined destinies hold in for them.
It usually unfolds to elements unexpected and surprising. The ones which seem to have lasted forever, leave too soon and those who are supposed to part ways on the very next turn, walk along a lifetime.
 The path maybe any but a relation, specially the strong ones bring in their share of sorrows and disappointments. Not that they don't bring in joys and pleasures but when you falls back on the memories, the darker hues somehow are more eye catching and heart wrenching!

Sufferings are inevitable. Inevitable and necessary.
Necessary for growth, necessary for acclimatisation- within and without.
If a sapling wouldn't live through the hardships, the sun and the rain, will a strong and sturdy tree ever be able to exist?
If a child isn't taken out of the house, will he be ever able to rise as a responsible and sensible adult?
We all know this yet we forget.
We forget that even our relations follow a similar path. If it won't suffer, it won't grow and things which cease to grow, die. They can't breathe or see or feel.

But suffer how long or how much? Aren't our relations meant to bring us peace and love?
Why not better be alone when all you are greeted with is a gift of suffering?

Suffering in the form of longings, expectations and dependency .
Why this terrible need of loving being loved, being heard and needed back?
Why these never ending array of expectations?

And while you read it, you will wonder why am I so confused. Agreeing and denying my own words. But that's how our minds work too. Paradox. We create and destroy. Believe and disbelieve. Praise and ridicule.Love and hate.Remember and forget.

Everything is interconnected. Interconnected yet so disintegrated.

How do we explain it? Is it like the good comes with bad? or it is that without light there is no dark? Is it like without night our days cannot be completed? or it is like without death our life would be meaningless? 

All I can see is contrast all around. 
Not shades of grey but white and black all around.

A real catch- 22 situation to be in! Do you visualize it too or does it remains unseen?  

paradox again!