Dear broken heart

Dear broken heart

Nostalgic, I am beginning this letter. Amidst my moist eyes flow the carefree and bygone days of innocent and insensitive childhood.
Ah! You were so strong and lively like April days! Full of warmth, joy and hope. Weren't you? Beaming with positive energy, running like the bright rays of yellow sun. Too delighted to know the subtle nuances of life. Too occupied in your own existence.

But, the rays of this crisp and bright sun slowly yet inevitably began to change direction. Paving their way to noon. When the sun shines violently and piercingly hot! It was puberty time. You jumped into the hormonal rush. This whirlpool of hostile hormones. A few nano-grams of rise in them and love touched you.

That soft, irresistible, maddening touch of love. You lost all control over thyself. Didn't you oh my dear heart? You misunderstood and started believing life to be a bed of red roses- fresh and fragrant and dare I say you were wrong in your assumption, until one fateful day. The day when thorns of the same roses pricked you, deeply and painfully.

How can I forget the first time you broke? When eyes shed tears of turmoil, mind too numb to console you. You fell apart.There was anguish,melancholy,dejection,fury fear, hatred. Feelings seemed to be scattered and toppled over each other.
The agony was immense and intense. The year passed at an average pace and soon April days were back. What happened in between is a tale of tears, woes and hopelessness and you wouldn't want me to repeat the same to you am sure.

So the sunny April returned with a new zeal and hope! You were happy again. Humming tunes of spring and flowers and gay days. Bustling with rejuvenated energy and radiance. Ready to dance again. Ready to LOVE again!
Although somewhere a deep scar had settled which refused to heal yet you moved on.

Some months past and harsh winds of solitude knocked your door again. Chilling you nerves and shaking you all over. You broke again. This time the jolt was even more powerful, the crash louder and pain penetrated deeper.
All hopes of recovering or reinventing happiness were lost. It is the end, mind had said. But was it really?

Oh! my dearest heart I remember every single night you spent crying and wetting the pillow. Sometimes regretting, sometimes shouting and most often sitting in solitude, pondering over what went wrong. I wish I could heal you, treat you! This sickening feeling of lost love is beyond all repair. Except for time. Time is the drug we need. And strangely its about time that you understood it.
This time the scar had grown terribly. Healed only superficially. You now fear rejection and dejection. You can't love boldly but weigh in the hits and misses. You weigh the loses and love seizes to mean everything it did yesterday.

They say why O why have you turned so weak? Almost a coward? Or maybe too selfish to think beyond your own gains?
But my lovely heart, I know and I understand you. I have seen the ups and downs you faced. I feel your scar and the hidden old pain arising out of it. You are not a coward or a selfish little thing. You are vulnerable and wounded. Its almost natural to be your guard and sensible too. Although I know it still my advice may seem a little too unexpected to you. But bear with me, for I only wish the best for you.

DON'T stop loving. You are unguarded and fragile, which makes you worthy of more love. More kisses and more hugs. The risk in thinking selflessly for someone else maybe huge but believe me, thee are so many like you, wishing and waiting for someone who could gallantly face the risk.

And as they say, when you nurse a broken heart, you heal yours too. So isn't this risk worth being taken?  Get up dear heart! Pray, I ask you to walk out of that walled room and face the winter fog bravely and April shall arrive soon. Sooner than you think and when it sees you glow with so much sunshine and love, I bet its here to stay. Stay forever!

Wishing you warmth and affection
Me

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Not just today.....

Its not today that you left me

a long time has passed

memories and memoirs have faded

in the ocean of life, big and vast.

Its not today that I cried

hiding myself in the dark

sobs and tears are a familiar part

and cuts that leave a mark.

Its not today that I pasted an empty smile

for the fake world to see

all they know is a happy girl

who cares what's going inside me.

Its not today that I tried to let go

all that life bestowed

in the form of sufferings and pain

and hurdles on the road.

Its not today that I accepted

what life presented to me

you and I were different people

and were never meant to be 'we'.

Its not today that I heard 'let go and move on'

from folks to whom it matters not

time can never be a healer

but a mere illusionary guard.

Birthdays and celebrations....

The only good part about birthdays according to me are the in numerous calls and greetings. Unfortunately, with facebook colonizing our lives and minds this part too seems to be lost. Now all we see are mere half hearted 'wishes on the wall'!

Birthdays never excite me. Never got the feeling that this was 'my day' or anything remotely special. Not because I am traumatized by the thought of growing old but for a simple reason that what exactly be considered special in a day which comes again and again in each one of our lives? 
OK, you might defend me by saying that it marks our arrival into this world, in the lives of people around who consider you special yet I have my own beliefs which drag me to the other side.

This year however it was slightly different. As soon as the clock stuck 12, there was this episode of calls and wishes which lasted till 1.30 a.m.
As I hit my bed, pretty tired and 'least' excited sleep was no where in sight. Usually its my habit whenever sleep eludes me on a night I either sit up with my diary and pen, scribbling and rambling or if am too tired I simply lie down and introspect on mysterious paths of life. I chose the latter on this day too. My mind was conspiring with my heart of how to feel special about growing up or rather 'the day'.

It was quarter to 4 now and suddenly a thought hit me. (yes, such are the occasions when this phrase exactly fits in coz sometimes certain thought literally 'hit you up' !)

 I realized that our birthday is the only day which is FIXED yet TRANSIENT in our lives. Fixed not because it comes each year (all dates do) but fixed for it will always be a benchmark of all that I learn and become. Like a ray, with a fixed beginning but no ending
.
 And transient for it makes me realize that age IS time. It comes and goes and never comes back again. We can never so accurately and fairly take account of time and age as can we do on this day- our birthday.

It may sound contradictory to some. It may also appear as bickering to some.
But for me I don't celebrate my growing up instead I celebrate the fixed and the transient moments embedded in this day.

What do you celebrate on/about your birthday? Do let me know! :)

5 - reasons why 'love is a WASTE of time' !!

WARNING : This post has been written as a part of 'feeling good being single' and 'Enlightening the imbecile V-day lovers' brigade. Kindly put down your rosy hued glasses before proceeding. Thank you.

1) Love is Blind - This is an old adage. Obviously,  you are not 'medically blind' and hence faking blindness would consume a lot of time. Imagine crossing the road with 'love blinded eyes' or performing your daily chores that way. Hard, isn't it?

2) Waste of money - It is a well known and accepted fact that nothing can burn bigger holes in the pocket than love. Now earning money requires patience, perseverance, perspiration and other P, Q,R ,S , Ts. Even A, B,Cs. but most importantly it requires 'Time'. whether you earn it the right way or left way err I mean wrong way. The need for time can't be denied. hence, waste of money = waste of time.

3) Love never dies - Usually things rot , iron rusts, seasons fade and we stomach certain painful feelings and morons in the hope that someday their absence would make the world a better place again.But, love is immortal according to popular beliefs. So once hitched, no 'bitches' or 'witches' can get you off it.
Did you say give it time? I'd say you are wasting your time.sigh.

4) Let the reason NOT be love - The love element relinquishes no movies/song/book. Most of them start with a jilt and end up in happily ever after scenario or at times vice versa.
Imagine, if all those lecherous/melancholic/soppy/fantasy scenes would be cropped or let me say 'expunged' (yeah, they deserve it!). A 3 hours movie would last for 3 min or maybe a few seconds?
And how about those 968 page book? of course, mills and boons will get extinct all together.
can you now calculate the time you are saving? good!

5) Ultimate troublemaker - complications, misunderstandings , maladjustments, jealousy, expectations come so handy with love. And since you are already blind, untangling the threads is quite a task. Decrypting those codes is deadly waste of time coz no matter how much you sharpen your troubleshooting skills, this maniac file cant be handled.

I hope it was convincing. Coz if this isn't I have another 10 reasons coming up on 'how love murders logic and wisdom' :P

2 hours- I choose 'living' over 'winning'

The very thought of procuring an extra two hours a day feels like a free dish on my platter or a prayer answered when you least expected it or maybe a surprise top -up recharge on my usually low on balance cell phone!

In a jiffy with an energy of a shooting star I found myself scribbling out various activities I'd do in those 'extra cheese' on my pizza hours :-D

Courtesy- Google image search

from Shopping to Sleeping               

Cooking to Cleaning

Reading to Roaming

Phone calls to Friends...

my list en wrapped NOT just everything humanly possible but also wild fantasies like Time travel and Tolerating the neighborhood aunt's rants!

However, as soon as the initial excitement and euphoria subsided I realized that we have always heard people say ' this world's a playground' although the only sports I observe people 'playing' now a days is 'athletics' (it includes me as well) . Yes, running, jumping and throwing! Running endlessly, mindlessly and often aimlessly day after day for months and years to reach the end of an infinite path.

In this era of eternal rushing when 24 hours cease to suffice, what difference will two additional hours make? what I will end up doing is a little more of this endless running!

So I decided to pursue something beyond monotony of everyday - 'to slow down a bit'!
For its better to 'LIVE' than to 'WIN' this race of life!

To let that athlete in me experience a whiff of wind, 

the green of tress and red of rose, 

the sound of lub-dub when my heart beats and millions of such marvels which go unnoticed each day.

I decided 

I will let people stand ahead of me in a queue,

wait patiently for the second bus and let an old lady take my seat in the first one instead. 

I will let a fellow customer get her billing done first,

talk to that child with special needs on the bus stand for there is no rush to reach college ,

oil my mom's hair,

listen patiently to my grand mom's late night stories, 

play with my younger brother for some minutes more,

chase the butterflies like in childhood days,
read even those 'longer than average' post on blogs,

water my plants more often,

relish even the second serving of my dessert,
sit beside the window with my huge coffee mug,

love myself more for proudly being me,

and just when those 120 minutes bid farewell- 

thank Almighty for blessing my  LONG day! :-)

courtesy- Google image search

 

This post has been written for 'SURF EXCEL MATIC #get smart' contest hosted by Indiblogger. You can fave it HERE.

Timelessness 'in' time!

I suggest you to read THIS post first to get a better idea about 'Time and Timelessness' .

There are hundreds of things that I want to accomplish within time but blame it on time for its presence is never enough for me!

Why can't this entity called 'time' exist from forever to forever? No past, present or future to crumble in into pieces that make living not just a harder process but eventually those crumbled crushed bits spatter all over leaving us dazed and lost!

Now don't be surprised when I tell you that we all do possess a capacity to live in such a way. For timelessness is a deep rooting yet simple process that connects moments like a mosaic.

Our brain have been designed to fluctuate from one incident to the other and shift the concentration from whats most important then and there to the next. Something that we refer to as 'prioritizing' in a layman term.

But such prioritizing not only makes us too much dependent on the past, present and future of events but also gives breaks or rather snaps the harmony of concentration making us 'restless' and then eventually 'depressed' and 'stressed out' on the in completion the that 'task' in the priority list.

I don't endorse the fact that prioritizing is bad but all I want to explain is that try and concentrate on the 'broader' view instead of meager tasks that seem to have little importance in the long run. This can only come by visualizing time as a whole.

An Urdu couplet by Ghalib goes as 

"ishrate katra hai dariya mein fanaa ho jana

dard ka hadd se guzrna hai dawa ho jana"

Its only when the droplet of water get immersed in the sea, its pinnacle is achieved. Ironical though it may seem.

Similarly only when we can let time be converted to timelessness can we achieve that real crowning point in life and beyond.

And now a quote that I found impressive and inspiring :

"Just as we envision all of space

as being really out there,

as really existing, we should also envision all of time

as really being out there,

as really existing too" -  Brain Greene

Time- where art thou ?

While reading a book which spoke of pre-British raj India which also meant pre- modern, technology devoid days. When fans instead of mobile phones toggled in common man's hand and live 'mujras' supplemented entertainment in contrast of cozy T.V sets and multiplexes of today.

What astonished and amazed me was not just the simplicity of life then but also the fact that virtues like wisdom and concentration reigned as an everyday existence.

The people's day then could accommodate almost everything ranging from their everyday chores to flying pigeons and words like 'procrastination' or 'stress' had no meaning.

What stuck me was why can't we, the so-called impatient and super fast, ultra modern, tech savvy generation find 'real' time in the same 24 hours of the day? Why words like 'stress' and 'depression' are hovering even on the minds of a 12 year old? Going by logic and basic sense,our lives should not just have been turmoil free but also with an abounding of leisure time at our disposal.

Contrary to it we are sleep deprived even when Google does our researches for us, got no time to spare for our relatives or return back calls even when writing letters has been replaced by SMSs and instant messages.

My grandmother often tells me that during her youth people waited endlessly, counting day after day as to when a new week or month would arrive. While today an hour passes at a lightening speed and so does an year! Some 70 days left to bid adieu to 2011, whatever happened to the remaining 295 days?

It seems as if 'time' suffers from an auto immune disorder- gobbling its own self!

Where on earth is this 'commodity' called time vanishing?

And whats even more relevant is how can we hold it back?  

Wouldn't it be great if we could live in timelessness?

Well, coming to 'timelessness'. It indeed is a very complex subject in itself. But after much contemplation I realized that this is the only way to 'live effectively in time' and 'use time in the most effective manner.'

Literally speaking timelessness means - eternal , ageless or immortal. Although it has much more to offer just like alchemy and astrology had to offer to the human race.

To live is timelessness within time means to to live in moments and each moments separate of the previous or the next. All those who have some idea of quantum mechanics would appreciate that its nature is in similarity with the dual nature of light which comes in to us packets (the particle theory) , each one separate of the other yet we see light is a ray. That's how timelessness too connects those distinct moments.

If we try to concentrate NOT on the ticking of clock second by second but on moments we live, utilizing each of these packet (moments) to the best of our ability with the faith that whatever we have right now is what JUST exists we will see that not only will our productivity increase but our concentration spans will soar high too. Probably then 24hours if not enough, will at least give us a sense of accomplishment and fullness.

And 'time' will earn its true value in our lives once again.

PS : This post is far from over. The concept may sound weird to many of the readers. I will try and elaborate more on this concept in my coming post.And do let me know what is your idea of 'timelessness' and how do you perceive the existence of such a thing. 

Plus this analogy of timelessness to particle nature of light is purely my own perception so if you find any loop holes do let me know!