Love.Pain.Betray.

Attachments are beyond the control and regulations of human realms. No matter how ironical it may seem but the games our own mind plays are so deceitful that we fail to perceive them and mindlessly keep getting sucked into this whirlpool.
While we happily pass our day laughing and chattering, our cunning brain keeps using them to create love and attachment on the hindsight.

No enemy can betray as brutally

As our own beating hearts

Yesterday sprouted the love seeds

Today my desires bleed and depart

Without any prior consent or signatures,it continues to create love potions in our soul and we let it exploit us like a misinformed consumer. 

How fair is it?! To which it instills a reply of 'everything being fair in love and war'. That reminds me of the fairer sex which gladly lets the mind not just play games but is also enslaved in the pretext of love.

Long talks of love and yearning

Ringing giggles, a charming smile

Unquestionably my heart accepted

Forever, you shall be mine

Running behind someone is the worst poison one can give himself. It leaves you totally empty, hollow and consumed.

During the April days of any relation, our heart is full of hopes. Beaming with zeal and an energetic sunshine. It conspires with the mind and together they create a delusionary image of 'forever' without realising that no two hearts can beat as one, no two souls can synchronise in a similar passionate frenzy. 

Time continues to cement this belief until one fateful night, cold and chilly winds of reality start blowing. They are piercing and dry, jabbing and jarring away every delusion of a soothing sunshine.

You are palpitating and sweating

crushed to the core

But you can't stop running behind

who never was and never will be yours.

They Showed me the right path....

When it comes to learning and growing not just in age but wisdom too, I think that my own suffering have been the greatest of all teachers.
As Charles Dickens said 'suffering has been stronger than all other teaching and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but I hope - into a better shape'.
No pain we suffer goes useless. It teaches us patience, humility, compassion, faith, confidence. Its only after shedding tears that the road ahead seems clearer.

It is also true that in these moments of trouble and trials does our real attitude stand out. Being a medical student I come across tens of patients and their despaired family members each day as they are scattered throughout the hospital. Each one of them waiting to get rid of his agony and distress.

Last month I had been posted to a government hospital in Delhi as a part of my 3rd year curriculum. I was supposed to collect the blood samples of 'bed no. 12' - female ward that day. So with all the necessary instruments like syringe and collecting vials etc. I made my way to the ward. On reaching the bed to my surprise the patient, a girl of about 17 years was surrounded by other inmates of the room.She was narrating them something and they all laughed. And the wards which are usually a gloomy place was filled with laughter and zest.

As I took her blood samples I tried to strike a conversation with her. (We are even taught to do the same with any patient in order to divert their attention while pricking a needle).
She told me that she was a student of class 12th and had secured a good 90%. She aspired to be a doctor and had toiled hard for the entrances the whole year but this unwelcoming illness made her miss all the entrances which meant she would have to wait for another year to be able to get admission in a college.

After taking the samples I ordered her to take rest and not talk much. She spoke again 'laughter is the best medicine, isn't it? I am helping myself and others get well soon' :)
I was amazed at her spirit and determination. How subtly did she made me learn that not only being happy is indeed the best medicine but its our outlook to things that makes all the difference.

Life in the capital city of India is so fast paced and busy. There is no time to stop and stare. A slit- throat competitive atmosphere prevails everywhere. I travel by DTC everyday and undoubtedly catching a bus is an extremely tedious task. You are pushed and crushed.The drivers halt the buses way ahead the directed mark. People literally want to grab and kick you out to 'edge' a place in the ever increasing number of commuters.

It was amidst such a scenario one day that I saw a lady in her 60's trying in vain to clutch the bus door handle.
But then suddenly a guy in his 20's who was standing beside me on the bus stop ran and not only shouted on the driver to stop the bus but also climbed and helped the woman get into the bus. The lady was moved to tears as she blessed the boy and thanked him.

As I and many others witnessed this incident, not just today but almost everyday I held my head in shame. And realized that its easy to crib and point out mistakes but to see a change we need to create it.

As we walk forward to shoulder bigger responsibilities we should never forget the lines learnt back in pre-school days: 

 "little deeds of kindness

little words of love

help to make our earth an Eden

like the heaven above".

And lastly an incident which was the first one to come in my mind when I read the topic.
It happened about 15 years back when I was around 7 years old but as they say that some incidents teach us lesson of a lifetime and no matter what they remain imprinted in our memories forever.

My uncle was about 65 years old then. He was a man of great principles and a thorough disciplinarian.
He would often come to our house and take us for shopping or to nearby places. We obviously liked him dearly.
On one such day, he decided to take us to the nearby book shop.The shop was a 20 minutes drive from our house.
While coming back in the autorickshaw we got stuck in a huge traffic jam. Uncle had an appointment at 5 PM and realizing he was already late, as he had to drop us and then go to his place he paid off the auto and decided to walk us to the house for it was only a 5 minutes walk from there. Since mobile phone were not common in those days so he had no way to inform anyone.

As we walked, suddenly a large stone on the road made uncle lose his balance and he fell down getting severely injured. later that week, he left for his heavenly abode.
I still remember his words that 'what better could it be to die for those morals and principles on which you have lived your entire life'.And uncle truly did that.
Now whenever I am running later I remember his punctuality and make it a point to at least inform the person waiting for me. I strive hard to live on and sustain my principles and beliefs just like him. And I am sure that when he sees me from up there he smiles and is so happy to know that I learnt what I saw and inculcated it in my life too!

I am sharing what 'I Saw and I Learnt' at BlogAdda.com in association with DoRight.in.

If only...A mother's regret

If only....I sit in the court of law with only these words ringing in my mind. There are endless tears. Tears of remorse, tears of failure. Failure to be a good mother. Failing to see and understand the innumerable warning signs that my child's progressing disorder gave me.

The only reason for my smile,my 16 year old boy Abhay stands in the trial box today.
Abhay has AUTISM. Yes, I accept it today. But If only....I had visualized and accepted it earlier things would have been so different.

When Abhay was born on 23rd September 1996, our happiness knew no bounds. After a series of miscarriages he was my first 'live' child and nothing less than a miracle for me.
As days passed, it was him my life revolved around. His every movement, each smile and cry, those little gestures, I awaited for them impatiently. For him I lived and he lived in me.

Everything was perfect EXCEPT that Abhay as a little baby almost never smiled. He never reciprocated gestures of love like hugs or touch and made almost no baby sounds.
I noticed it. Noticed these SIGNS everyday but IGNORED.

At the age of 2, my dear boy Abhay avoided any conversation. Whatever little words like 'maa' and 'papa' he had learned, he seemed to be forgetting using those too.He made no eye contacts.

While other babies of his age laughed,chatted and played he sat on his bed or cot silently.
I noticed this too and got worried. But my ignorance took the better of me and dismissed it as 'mere shyness' of my sweet boy.

When at 4 years. Abhay joined school, I was happy and hopeful of him becoming 'normal' and 'cooperative' but things never got better. On the contrary he developed a strange obsession for 'tin cans'.
He would collect them from everywhere and arrange them up in rows, piling them on one another.
I could very well sense his behaviour as rather 'inappropriate' but my love, my blind love dismissed this too as my kids 'new hobby'.

Infact I started buying him cans. I woulds get them for him and he would silently retire to his room and sit for hours piling and re-piling them.

At 10, he was facing major problems at school and almost everyone could sense there was something wrong with his attitude, except me. Once when his teacher called me to discuss important matters regarding my child's progress I IGNORED the meeting for I hated to hear anyone call my little bundle of joy as 'abnormal' and 'mad'.

I chose a private tuition as the solution. Mrs. Riya was a wise lady.
 She WARNED me several times about Abhay's behaviour and that his avoiding eye contacts, his reclusive attitude and decreasing grades at school all very clearly suggested 'Autism'.
But blame me, my blind, ignorant, selfish love- I IGNORED this clear and red line sign too! Asking Mrs. Riya to leave then and there.

And as she had warned, thing never got better. My child never laughed or played with me. Never behaved like an adolescent would.

Now at 16 after changing innumerable schools and hearing the children of his age pass rude and cruel taunts with no therapy or medical treatment Abhay's condition progressed to a new phase.
He had developed a violent and criminal frenzy.
And as a doting mother I was still unable to decipher those SIGNS.  If only....I had realized them even at this stage, I could have saved my child's future.

The judge's loud gavel bang broke my reverie. And I heard the unbelievable words reach my ears - 

'After listening and hearing to all the witnesses this court has come up with the decision that juvenile criminal ABHAY GUPTA, 16 years has brutally murdered his classmate on 21st August. He is awarded an imprisonment of 3 years along with rehabilitation and education.The court is adjourned for the day.'

I listened in regret more than disbelief as the court passed its judgement. My little boy Abhay was behind the bars today. My ignorance has cost him his future.I stood there like a complete loser. A helpless woman who destroyed her family.
 If only I had realized that loving my child doesn't mean over looking the imperfections.
And not taken for granted the warning signs that lay before my eyes each day, each moment, in all his gestures and actions.

If only.....

MORAL : Our strength can also become our greatest weaknesses and vice versa if not rationally channelized.
'Continuing to believe in a lie is a lot easier then accepting the truth' but one should learn to be vigilant and accept the realities no matter how harsh and painful.


Friends, the early signs of almost all diseases are the most important yet easily neglected ones. Don't be ignorant and read on to know more about them.
This post is written as a part of 'The moral of the story is...' contest by Colgate and Indiblogger.
To know more about how to keep teeth healthy and avoiding troubles check My healthy speak blog.

Not just today.....

Its not today that you left me

a long time has passed

memories and memoirs have faded

in the ocean of life, big and vast.

Its not today that I cried

hiding myself in the dark

sobs and tears are a familiar part

and cuts that leave a mark.

Its not today that I pasted an empty smile

for the fake world to see

all they know is a happy girl

who cares what's going inside me.

Its not today that I tried to let go

all that life bestowed

in the form of sufferings and pain

and hurdles on the road.

Its not today that I accepted

what life presented to me

you and I were different people

and were never meant to be 'we'.

Its not today that I heard 'let go and move on'

from folks to whom it matters not

time can never be a healer

but a mere illusionary guard.

A letter to you- Expectations!

Dear Expectations
The wall clock ticks to show it’s around 3a.m. I sit in my room with no signs of sleep. My favourite author’s book lies besides me. Untouched. I have important assignments to complete and deadlines to meet but right now my mind is a cacophony of thoughts. They have no end. They don’t seem to subside or straighten out.

You have left me alone and dizzy again. I am try to figure out why do you creep into relations? In between people who are leading an independent, happy life?
Why, when a relation strengthens and insecurities retract do you show up to mess everything? They say, genuine bonds blessed with true love never faint.
 How do you then appear in between those fine threads of care and happiness and pull them apart so selfishly?
I am in splits. Unable to figure out who to blame..you, me or someone else?
Why do I listen to you? why can't I simply make peace with whatever has been bestowed upon me? I fail to understand who acquainted you with love and care? These are emotions that should come from within like an unexpected, unasked gift- a pleasure and a surprise. If it comes as an outcome of demand and endless begging, what happiness will it provide me? It only crushes my ego and self respect.
Even after knowing all of it I turn up with open hands because you force me to.
But why on earth should I pay heed to you and beg for you sake when you care not a little of my self respect?
I should stop. Now and here. You have crept within me like a malaise.
I need to get rid of you.
I really don't want to lose my close ones for you. 
But you and they somehow come together. I am not brave enough to separate them from you.
You have over powered me. 
Do I have to give up on my relations to run away from you?
It will hurt and the pain will linger on. But I can/'t bear the pain caused when you break and hit my self respect and egos. I better quit.
Quit. Quit desiring you o' brutal expectations.
Maybe in solitary confinement will I find some tranquility. For there will be no one to look up to.
I fear to hope. because where hope is, expectations (you) exist too.

In need of you, no more
ME