I walk on a road lush with dreams,
a road of forgotten and veiled dreams,
sometimes slowly, sometimes gaily,
sometimes lost, sometimes profound,
I walk a road of unknown mysteries,
fervently finding my way through the endless path.....

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

For better, for worse....!!!

We live in a country where 'love' and 'marriage' are considered two issues poles apart. While marriage is considered to be a family affair, love is still looked down upon as an act of misdeed. And it is due to this disparity that 'love' and 'arrange' marriage hold a debatable position in the Indian society.
Now everyone can have a different understanding of the two so before proceeding to provide reason and opinions firstly I would like to define them.

A love marriage according to me is the one in which individuals themselves choose their life partner which means that the decision is purely a personal one and often not acceptable to the respective families. The reasons for which may vary from differences in caste/religion to social status.

On the other hand in an arranged marriage its the parents who decide the person their son/daughter would get married to. So in this case the individuals may or may not have known each other earlier but the families are consenting and mutually agreeing to connect.

'Love-cum-arranged' is a pleasant amalgamation of the two and in my opinion can be a very successful event owing to mutual understanding of all those involved. The debate we have here is however,between 'love' and 'arrange'.

Now the basic point is- in an arranged marriage all decisions are collectively discussed in contrast to love marriage where individuals decide their future. A collective opinion coming from more experienced members of both families definitely holds better chances of survival and success than an individual one.

Moving ahead, we all know that marriage is a bond of lifetime (at least in a country like India) but no one can spend their entire life being dependant on a single person no matter how much you love him/her. We all need relation and support of other people and not just the spouse to lead a truly happy and satisfactory life. Which is usually missing in a love marriage at least in the initial years.

Moreover, in case of any clashes or friction between the couple, which is inevitable they have their elders and naturally wiser people of the family to guide and advice in the arrange marriage set-up which tends to save them from a lot of problems.

No doubt that in love marriage the bride and groom have known each other from a certain time span and there is trust and understating but they also have 'pre-built' hopes and expectations of their better half.
On the contrary in arrange marriage the two individuals can only 'presume' that the decision taken by their elders is a good one. So after marriage when things begin to get 'real' and attributes like tolerance and patience give a back seat to love, expectations begin to tear apart. The individuals begin to feel 'this is not the person I decided to marry' . That's when love marriage attains an extremely vulnerable position and a series of ego clashes and disappointments may crop up.

In arrange marriage too the disappointments and ego clashes can occur but the blame automatically is forced on the 'deciding elders' and 'destiny' rather than the spouse which saves the situation to a great extent. Also the two individuals try and overlook a lot of differences knowing well that it takes time to develop understanding and healthy frequency between to newly met people.

There also is a sense of insecurity and added responsibility in case of love marriage as the burden of all blames and accountability of all actions is totally singular.
In arranged one, the blame and accusations seems to be a collective fault since the decision was a collective one.
Another point favouring arranged marriage is something called the 'initial spark' which develops after the couples get to know each other and gradually tend to get familiar. Each day is a surprise and mystery since you are in process of discovering your partner.

In love marriage however the initial spark goes missing and marriage comes as a point where the time for mushy romance is spaced up for mundane responsibilities, although the sense of security and trust maybe much more in this case the missing spark does make it appear bland and monotonous.

Belonging to a family where arrange marriages out do love marriages in number, I have seen them to be immensely successful and blissful. You should trust that your parents can never take decision that's not in the best of your interests. And since both the individuals realize that now they have been tied for a lifetime so the rights and duties somehow find a place even before love comes into picture which only strengthens the bond of admiration and respect in future.

As for those who feel that how can the most important decision of 'who I would spend my life with me decided by others' I'd say - life is game of chance rather than choices and those big and small chances that we take each day makes this experience a marvelously exciting and magically enchanting one !!

PS : The above opinions are strictly personal. I am not against love marriages but would prefer an arranged one over them. The bottom line however is, that for any relation to be successful and long lasting mutual understanding and trust marks the first step follwed by love and patience.
PS 2 : While exploring google image search I found this image particularly amusing ;)

To explore more on 'Love ya arrange' follow the facebook link here.


  1. A good post. Yes, a love-cum-arranged marriage remains to be THE dream!

    1. i said a very pleasant options for all sides :) thnks for reading!

  2. In the end...its all about compatibility right?

    1. one can deny that.. and thats y d image in d end :D

  3. Well analyzed Sarah, here after a long time:) first of all a big fluttering Hi from the Canary:):)How have you been?

    Coming to the topic, I am of the opinion that it is criminal to classify marriages into 'love' and 'arranged', it is easier to discuss and dissect the pros and cons, the whole world will go yadayada, but each marriage is definitely more than that:)

    1. a big hi to u too..great to have u on d blog raksha di :))
      i appreciate ur opinion...but like i said here in India, love and marriage are two entirely different phenomenons so the classification is but natural!

  4. I loved the way you analysed and dissected everything so wonderfully. When it comes to my opinion I feel be it arranged or love..if there is no trust and basically understanding and communication between the couple the marriage is surely gonna go downhill, in love marriage it may be earlier than compared to arranged ones.

    Blame game in arranged marriages is the only thing that's good, but don't you think its kinda weird you love someone today but then are forced to marry someone else, some years down the line you have your own kids and you impose the same on them..where are we heading with this outlook ??

    I dunno personally I would prefer love marriage but for that my partner should be really mature and ready to live upto our love and convince his parents that they really love and can't live without..if one doesn't really take the initiative it's no use..better an arrange marriage where you can at least compromise..and I like @Red Handed's the end it's all about compatibility right :)

    And the pic at the end is definitely awesome !

    1. see i believe that if two ppl genuinely love each other than love will find a way...but wen u r not sure/confused etc. thn whts wrng in letting ur parents choose for u? its very similar to selecting a career, if u r sure u want to do a particular thng thn go ahead. but if u arnt thn better strugglng n regreting d whole life...u mite as well take ur elders advice.
      thnks for readng though...:)

  5. S S,

    You have nicely compared both. You may know someone for many years but it is only when you start living 7 X 24 that you come to know the real person. Also during period of love, both put their best foot forward as well as being blind in love do not see negative side of each. Marriage is not just union of two persons but coming together of two families also. I always advocate that let the individual who are to get married have their say. So in case of love, let the families get to know each other before taking final decision. In case of arranged one, let the boy and girl have ample opportunity to interact to see if they can accept each other. I am going to quote two of fellow bloggers :

    Success of marriage does not depend on finding the right partner but on being one.

    Marriage is like a flowerbed which needs to be tended everyday.

    Take care

    1. good to have u here. loved ur comment. i agree completely to wht u said, thats exactly my belief too. and thnks so much to take out time to share such a wonderful comment:D

  6. Very well analysed post with an obvious tilt to the arranged side of life :)

    Very good post Sarah.. very well analysed.