I walk on a road lush with dreams,
a road of forgotten and veiled dreams,
sometimes slowly, sometimes gaily,
sometimes lost, sometimes profound,
I walk a road of unknown mysteries,
fervently finding my way through the endless path.....

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Bleeding blades and pleasure...

"The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain."
-Karl Marx

A deep sharp cut and another portion of her arm went numb. The nerves halted their job of sending any signals. It was a pure red blood...she felt alive and yet so dead! tossing the knife away, she loathed the blade and her own existence as much but this dark, red blood rushing through the slit made her forget all...the pain, the agony and emotions which entrapped her unresponsive body. It fell drop by drop on the ground, bestowing a sense of ease, as if the world had come to a stand still in those frozen moments when the blushing vital fluid oozed out of each vein.
Cutting is so easy she thought! closing her eyes tightly,sniffing with a powerful thrust...

another cut and another spell of sensation less satisfaction...this time she purposely stretched it longer and deeper to elevate those divine moments which were momentary but momentous for her survival now.
yes! she did curse herself every morning yet she couldn't afford to lose it.It had bound her, a complete possession...but  a few minutes of freedom was something that catalyzed her entire being...her life!

"a harrowing delight", she murmured to herself mindlessly picking up the blade and clearing the mess around.

then settling herself on the floor, she stared hard on her arms and legs, there were cuts all over...some black others brown..the recent ones pained now, a little blood still seeped through, so many cuts and each told a different tale..a tale of hatred, a tale of madness, a tale of fear, a tale of being lost, but above all it was a tale of un-acceptance. she was conscious of her actions, but cutting was a habit now, an addiction so heavenly and euphoric that even the most agonizing falls didn't subjugate the pleasure. Although she understood that it HAD to be given up, whatever starts HAS to end someday! Sitting on the same stained floor everyday she had resolved to end it all! no more would she succumb to the urge of numbness, no more would she give in to the slavery of shining blades.

 A dozen of failed attempts had only made the situation worst and today she did not plan to get back the same sense of failure. A certain thought lured her, and the intensity of its command shrieked out louder than ever at this hour. 
frailingly she stood up..toppling on her own self and managed to open the windows wide. the moon shone white and stars flickred brightly. a cool and gentle breeze penetrated each turmoil, chilling her spine.
'blessed are those who could be wild and free' she thought and in fickle of the moment  'jumped' . 
It was a free end! A free life ahead! 

Self harm or self injury is a disorder characterized by intentional hurting to oneself. The commonest form being cutting. The ironical part is that people ( usually teenagers) who participate in self-injurious behavior are usually likable, intelligent, and functional. 
What prompted me to write this post was a 'real' story of a girl who had indulged in extreme degree of self harm, fortunately she asked for help and her situation could be rectified. But not everyone is as lucky as her. The victims generally choose to suffer in silence for the sake of unexplained pleasure and more so coz they are afraid to ask for help! self mutilation is increasing at an alarming rate due to increased stress levels, What is required of us is self-control and vigilance to look around people with such suicidal tendencies, they are in dire need of help! our help!

and finally something that touched me beyond words :

'It was raw and bright. I was mesmerized by how my skin was changing color. I closed my eyes and imagined the cells pulling together to form a tight pink barrier. I felt like I could leave the world by diving into this wound'. –Abby Sher, “Cutting Made Me Forget My Eating Disorder”


  1. how scary!!!!
    nevr hrd of dis b4 bt wat if dey actually succeed?? i mean, i don understand y or hw sum1 can wilfully cause harm to demself!

    n if it hurts so much den y y whyyyyyyy!
    i mean wat problem cud b so big dat u want to end ur life wid it! n if it is a disorder den once dey feel d pain doesnt d gravity of d situation strike in deir head??? its nt like dey r deranged or anythin rite?

    i mus say, so very disturbin! :o

  2. A bold yet courageous outlook on a very known yet hidden issue spranging in our society. Also, the narration style makes it a must read.

  3. So weird.. and scary too. it reminded me a song tu jo nahi from the movie wo lamhe.

  4. sounds scary! I can't imagine how someone would want to hurt themselves! You write well...

  5. The method, that might seem to be just the right antidote for the moment, well, is it? I don't think so. This self inflicted pain and physical suffering after a certain extent might not even cope up with the tornado inside the head. Momentary respite, after sometime we'll just need to cut deeper, until...

    Nice post and a fabulous ending quote.

    Blasphemous Aesthete

  6. @ sadiya - It disturbed me for days so very badly! the victims are normal people in terms of mental functioning we can say, they DO feel the pain and realize what actually are they doing but the self harm brings in a certain sense of pleasure and ease that suppresses the trauma undergone in daily life...and then this pleasure, agony and suppression mix up to give rise to an addiction and need to harm every now and then! for further details u can go thru the wiki link given.

    @ rachit - its not really a hidden issue but people dont pay much heed thinking that they and the ppl arnd them can 'never' fall victim to such disorders which is actually very untrue! glad u showed interest...

  7. @ some unspoken words - its extremely scary and a dark pothole i hope on one traps into..oh yes! the movie talked abt addictions if i m not wrong but wasn't of a similar kind i guess?

    @ sarah - Unimaginable yet its getting common in today's stressful and mechanical life. btw, we share same names, i m sure u r in love with ur name as much as I m :) welcome to the blog and thnks for the compliment :D

  8. @ blasphemous - well , for the first time it might just be a one-time it happens with all other forms of addictions but then it goes on to become a dangerous inflicted curse, and thats what i have tried to highlight in the story that the end could be so dreaded and undesirable!
    glad u liked the post :)

  9. When I was in school I'd wonder why some of my classmates had fresh new cut marks on their arms every other day.
    One day I asked on of them if they were being subjected to violence at home and if she needed someone to talk to. Her response shocked me then, 'No,I cut myself. This is a brilliant way to de-stress and also I feel like a poet in pain.'

  10. @Sublescribbler: Yep I love our names :) Though I dont like it when people don't pronounce it properly :P (maybe i'm too picky)

  11. The quote shook me..its scary but not the way to go about it.And as you said, such people need help. The writing style makes it a compelling read.

  12. you know, the thing is, i read a book about a teen who self mutilates when i was a teen. Today I think this is gory, but at that time, it sounded thrilling and tempting! It the dangerous state of mind when you're an adoloscent-it can happen to anyone

  13. @ amropali - after having read so much abt it, i can now relate to her reply. so wht did u say to her...did u try n help her??

    @ sarah - oh yes! even i m very particular, not of being mis-pronounced but mis-spelt without the 'H'! so glad to know u :D

    @ alka - they r in dire need of love nad support..the only thing that can bring them back to normal life. this ad many such quotes moved me to tears literally. glad u found it engrossing!

    @ confused - Yes, that IS one of many reasons to take up such action..the thrill!! and it surely can happen to anyone and at any point in time specially in a mechanical era we live...God prevent everyone from such brutal ways of escaping pain and torment of life which is bestowed on us to make us a stronger being!

  14. Oh good lord. I am speechless. I am numb. How do we deal this? Life gives you pain and we push it down.

  15. I had images floating in my head as I read your story. It was vivid, raw ....just loved it.

  16. Prevalent Disorder, but hidden!

    Your write up has created the awareness!

  17. @ megs - Yes, life is not a fairy tale and there r many other ways to handle the troubles instilled upon us.

    @ purba - i m so glad that u liked it...those floating images do a lot..

    @ poonam - absolutely correct! I m happy if i could create even a bit of awareness :)

  18. Nice, bold post...

    Really liked the style of narration.

  19. this happens in depression
    emotional bold post

  20. Hi, hope you don't mind, I nominated you for an award!

  21. @ DG - so glad u liked somehow came out naturally...

    @ sm - i wont classify it merely a form of depression but yes, depression does stir in such satanic thots..glad u liked it!

    @ otterblossom - long time! wb to my blog :) and ofkors, i wont mind recieving awards..thnk u so much for this :D

  22. Reading your post brought to memory a movie I had seen recently where this woman keeps attempting to end her life.Your imagery was so powerful and gripping Sarah. I could just imagine that girl sitting on that floor and watching herself bleed.

  23. @ Rimly - Thats wht words are supposed to do..paint a picture that is clear and lasts long...glad u liked it! :)

  24. This is one of those posts that define your craftsmanship as a writer ... unfortunately, this isn't a fiction :-(