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I walk on a road lush with dreams,
a road of forgotten and veiled dreams,
sometimes slowly, sometimes gaily,
sometimes lost, sometimes profound,
I walk a road of unknown mysteries,
fervently finding my way through the endless path.....

Thursday, October 23, 2014

In health lies happiness.


I remember my younger son Sohail was 3 years old at that time when Meraj, the elder one, had encountered Malaria. Symptoms had started appearing the day he came back home after a “lousy” day at school. 
He had an elevated body temperature and didn't go for evening games. By next morning he was suffering chills and complained of headache. I had a long day ahead with a few presentations to make at a couple of meetings, my preoccupation with its nitty-gritty was intense and I mistook the fever and chills as seasonal change antics. I gave him a concoction and went off to work. 
When I came late at night, he was asleep but his temperature was high. The following day again I suppressed his fever with paracetamols and kept on with my busy schedule. But that night he cried of pain and chills got graver, he vomited too. Next morning, when we took him to the hospital, we came to know that its been half-a week old Malaria that he was suffering from. My initial neglect of his symptoms was visible when doctors admitted him as infection was acute and needed continuous monitoring.
 My husband who was travelling then, immediately came back when he heard about Meraj’s hospitalization. When I explained him his condition, he reprimanded me for negligence. In the following few days, Meraj’s condition worsened and doctors looked sorry. We became frantic and with tears in our eyes almost always, we began making prayers. I got too engrossed with Meraj’s condition and was staying in hospital day and night. I kept asking about Sohail by calling at home, where my mother was looking after him, but wasn't able to attend to him for days in a row. My husband kept chiding me intermittently for the negligence and the delay in diagnosis due to which Meraj was suffering. I only sobbed silently, as his blaming was not entirely misplaced.

 A week later Meraj started showing signs of recovery and the following week he was discharged. A month long ordeal with Malaria had made him severely weak and emaciated. At home, he needed a lot of monitoring with his meals and medication. While I was trying my best to bring about his recovery as early as I could, I began noticing some unwelcome changes in my younger son. He had become irritable, and cried all the time. He was hardly eating anything and would vomit as soon he was made to eat. He also looked pale. I told myself I would be ashamed if my preoccupation with my elder son would be at the cost of my younger son, for both were equally precious to me.

 When Sohail’s symptoms grew weirder, I immediately consulted doctor who confirmed that he was suffering from jaundice. That moment, I still remember was the lowest moment of my life. When my husband came to know about this, he grew worried too. But unlike the time of Meraj’s illness, he didn't burst out immediately. A few days, he didn't even talk to me and when one evening I summoned courage to ask what was wrong with him, he made sit on the dining table and told me that I was not the kind of mother, he would want for his children. Both the children were suffering partly due to my negligence in monitoring them properly. 
My husband was very outright in making clear to me my duties as a mother. This episode left created a gulf between us which took years to fill. I remember how during those days I was constantly in sadness and my husband permanently tense. Gradually, things improved and both the boys were on their feet again. Happiness which had gone away from my home slowly returned with children resuming their playfulness.

 This episode made me realize how central to a successful married life is the health of young children and how the health of young children itself is so fragile. 
They need continuous monitoring and checkups. Their immune system is undeveloped and many a systems in bodies function differently than elders. 
A healthy child is a great boon for the family and so is the importance of keeping our children healthy. 
Above all, a healthy child is the cornerstone of a healthy home, I realized.

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This entry has been written for happy hours contest conducted by Indiblogger.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Dear broken heart


Dear broken heart

Nostalgic, I am beginning this letter. Amidst my moist eyes flow the carefree and bygone days of innocent and insensitive childhood.
Ah! You were so strong and lively like April days! Full of warmth, joy and hope. Weren't you? Beaming with positive energy, running like the bright rays of yellow sun. Too delighted to know the subtle nuances of life. Too occupied in your own existence.

But, the rays of this crisp and bright sun slowly yet inevitably began to change direction. Paving their way to noon. When the sun shines violently and piercingly hot! It was puberty time. You jumped into the hormonal rush. This whirlpool of hostile hormones. A few nano-grams of rise in them and love touched you.

That soft, irresistible, maddening touch of love. You lost all control over thyself. Didn't you oh my dear heart? You misunderstood and started believing life to be a bed of red roses- fresh and fragrant and dare I say you were wrong in your assumption, until one fateful day. The day when thorns of the same roses pricked you, deeply and painfully.

How can I forget the first time you broke? When eyes shed tears of turmoil, mind too numb to console you. You fell apart.There was anguish,melancholy,dejection,fury fear, hatred. Feelings seemed to be scattered and toppled over each other.
The agony was immense and intense. The year passed at an average pace and soon April days were back. What happened in between is a tale of tears, woes and hopelessness and you wouldn't want me to repeat the same to you am sure.

So the sunny April returned with a new zeal and hope! You were happy again. Humming tunes of spring and flowers and gay days. Bustling with rejuvenated energy and radiance. Ready to dance again. Ready to LOVE again!
Although somewhere a deep scar had settled which refused to heal yet you moved on.

Some months past and harsh winds of solitude knocked your door again. Chilling you nerves and shaking you all over. You broke again. This time the jolt was even more powerful, the crash louder and pain penetrated deeper.
All hopes of recovering or reinventing happiness were lost. It is the end, mind had said. But was it really?

Oh! my dearest heart I remember every single night you spent crying and wetting the pillow. Sometimes regretting, sometimes shouting and most often sitting in solitude, pondering over what went wrong. I wish I could heal you, treat you! This sickening feeling of lost love is beyond all repair. Except for time. Time is the drug we need. And strangely its about time that you understood it.
This time the scar had grown terribly. Healed only superficially. You now fear rejection and dejection. You can't love boldly but weigh in the hits and misses. You weigh the loses and love seizes to mean everything it did yesterday.

They say why O why have you turned so weak? Almost a coward? Or maybe too selfish to think beyond your own gains?
But my lovely heart, I know and I understand you. I have seen the ups and downs you faced. I feel your scar and the hidden old pain arising out of it. You are not a coward or a selfish little thing. You are vulnerable and wounded. Its almost natural to be your guard and sensible too. Although I know it still my advice may seem a little too unexpected to you. But bear with me, for I only wish the best for you.

DON'T stop loving. You are unguarded and fragile, which makes you worthy of more love. More kisses and more hugs. The risk in thinking selflessly for someone else maybe huge but believe me, thee are so many like you, wishing and waiting for someone who could gallantly face the risk.

And as they say, when you nurse a broken heart, you heal yours too. So isn't this risk worth being taken?  Get up dear heart! Pray, I ask you to walk out of that walled room and face the winter fog bravely and April shall arrive soon. Sooner than you think and when it sees you glow with so much sunshine and love, I bet its here to stay. Stay forever!

Wishing you warmth and affection
Me






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Tuesday, August 26, 2014

The price of love.

I have been in love with him since ages, for each time he leaves me in solitude I live a hundred years each day and uncountable memories each night.
They say, every sunset brings a new light but for me, its just another hundred years to survive before a blanket of memories- his memories, our memories traps my soul.

An irony it is! The world moves on so smoothly, unperturbed and nonchalant, while your own life suffocates and breaks every second.
The wind blows at the same pace, people laugh and love, clock ticks, trees grow and hearts beats but for me, my little world exists within. Surrounded by his memory. The words he said, those smiles we shared and an immense pain his absence has bestowed on me.

For some days, there is just numbness and coldness. Frozen and still inner self. And suddenly the volcano erupts! Too strong to be overpowered by a fragile heart. My fragile heart, on which you poked your hurts night and day, consistently and lasting forever...

No matter how hard I try to ventilate my mind, opening the windows of thoughts and emotions for other things, things that mattered and reflected concern once but are now opaque and nonchalant of even themselves. You, precisely anything and everything that has an essence of you, only has the power to hit me, shake me, wake me!

How and when in this saga of my existence did 'you' become such an omnipresent and imposing part? That little by little I see bits of my own self crumbling, shying and dying out and away.
Tired of waiting for you. Too exhausted to fight. Too meager to exist. 
Is this the reason why they call love so overpowering? I am not sure but this reason seems to be true.

I have been over shadowed by this giant called love who gripped me in his comforting hands taking me to the top of the world, high and higher till everything around became far and misty except a gush of cool air and the euphoria of being among the stars. And suddenly, this giant dropped me! Yes, he dropped me and I hit the floor lifeless. My heart lay bleeding, eyes moist , mind so confused and chaotic while my soul almost succumbed to irreparable damage. They were right when they said that 'its not the fall that hurts but its that sudden stop in the end'.
This sudden inevitable stop.
This piercing realization that neither the sky could save me nor did the ground.
And even when I lay on the kiss the floor thrashed like an insect, the giant still over shadows me.

Everything comes with a price. But the price of falling amidst this euphoria called love can't be paid off by mere mortals like me. Not in an entire life. He was right when he said 'love is priceless'. Indeed it is.



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