The end of a tunnel...

Life is an amalgamation of uncountable moments. Some are forgotten and tugged beneath the winds of time while others are released slowly from our memories, dead and unimportant. However, a handful of them dominate the zillion others and they truly make an impression. Not just on our minds but also on our souls. These moments stand by you forever, ever ready to be remembered, to be played on and re- winded.

As I sit immersed in nostalgia holding a mug of coffee with both hands I am suddenly travelling along this impressionable moment back from my school days. It’s been almost 5 years now but whenever I encounter a wave of despair, I find myself immediately travelling to the year 2010. 

The year of utter hopelessness, disappointments, failures and just about everything that can pull you down. Low. Where there is nothing. Nothing except darkness, depth and dirt. Where begins life and where it meets its end. Ironical, isn't it?

 So I lay there, almost the whole of 2010. But by the time I entered the spring of next year, I was blooming. Blooming and brimming, with optimism. Just like that. The kind of optimism that continues to grow in me even now. You ask me how?

I will begin this story again.

It was in May that this realization dawned completely upon me. I had not been able to clear a single pre-medical test in spite of wasting an year doing rounds of coaching centers , madly turning the pages of over a fifty different books and burning the midnight oil each night.
 I felt I had reached a dead end. 
There was no way out. 
Until now I had believed in the dictum that ‘God never tests us beyond our capabilities’ but I had exhausted all my capabilities and God continued to test me. Fail me. Disappoint me.

 I used to cry every single night. Sometimes a silent sob, on other nights a loud animal wail. Praying to God to guide me. To magically let me fly through the end of this dark tunnel. 
No answers.

Then one day I chanced upon a story of a man whose wife had left him for another man and how he was taking care of his four kids and bearing the pain of this ditching lover. 
I read other story of a girl fighting OCD and an irresistible urge to cut and let herself bleed. Another, of a woman abandoned by her only son. 
Next, of a girl brutally raped by her husband. 
Another, then another.
That day I read almost a 100 stories of people suffering. Of people in despair and depression. In the middle of their own dark tunnels, fighting for a way out.

Suddenly my trouble seemed so meaningless and stupid. 
“Failing to clear a PMT, that’s all you've got?” I could hear my conscience ask me. 
I simply shrugged. Suddenly, I was able to see light! Yes! I could see a plethora of new avenues, new professions waiting to welcome me. 
I could feel the zeal to start afresh. I could feel optimism rushing through my blood.

This feeling of clearing an exam of hardships meant much more than clearing a meager medical test. I was exhilarated with a burst of positive energy.

It took a long year of ‘being nothing’ to be able to rise to a new morning of optimism. My moment of optimism. 

Now I truly believe that these moments of optimism are like the sun, they keep illuminating us and instilling this confidence that if we could survive it back then, why not today?

I am writing this piece in hope that maybe someone, somewhere needs to identify his moment of optimism today and this shall provide a much needed push. 
So you can shrug your problems off and bask in the glory of warm light that await you at the end of your tunnel. 
Good luck and much love!

Look up is making an effort to bring optimism into the world. Do check their page -housing.com/lookup

If only...A mother's regret

If only....I sit in the court of law with only these words ringing in my mind. There are endless tears. Tears of remorse, tears of failure. Failure to be a good mother. Failing to see and understand the innumerable warning signs that my child's progressing disorder gave me.

The only reason for my smile,my 16 year old boy Abhay stands in the trial box today.
Abhay has AUTISM. Yes, I accept it today. But If only....I had visualized and accepted it earlier things would have been so different.

When Abhay was born on 23rd September 1996, our happiness knew no bounds. After a series of miscarriages he was my first 'live' child and nothing less than a miracle for me.
As days passed, it was him my life revolved around. His every movement, each smile and cry, those little gestures, I awaited for them impatiently. For him I lived and he lived in me.

Everything was perfect EXCEPT that Abhay as a little baby almost never smiled. He never reciprocated gestures of love like hugs or touch and made almost no baby sounds.
I noticed it. Noticed these SIGNS everyday but IGNORED.

At the age of 2, my dear boy Abhay avoided any conversation. Whatever little words like 'maa' and 'papa' he had learned, he seemed to be forgetting using those too.He made no eye contacts.

While other babies of his age laughed,chatted and played he sat on his bed or cot silently.
I noticed this too and got worried. But my ignorance took the better of me and dismissed it as 'mere shyness' of my sweet boy.

When at 4 years. Abhay joined school, I was happy and hopeful of him becoming 'normal' and 'cooperative' but things never got better. On the contrary he developed a strange obsession for 'tin cans'.
He would collect them from everywhere and arrange them up in rows, piling them on one another.
I could very well sense his behaviour as rather 'inappropriate' but my love, my blind love dismissed this too as my kids 'new hobby'.

Infact I started buying him cans. I woulds get them for him and he would silently retire to his room and sit for hours piling and re-piling them.

At 10, he was facing major problems at school and almost everyone could sense there was something wrong with his attitude, except me. Once when his teacher called me to discuss important matters regarding my child's progress I IGNORED the meeting for I hated to hear anyone call my little bundle of joy as 'abnormal' and 'mad'.

I chose a private tuition as the solution. Mrs. Riya was a wise lady.
 She WARNED me several times about Abhay's behaviour and that his avoiding eye contacts, his reclusive attitude and decreasing grades at school all very clearly suggested 'Autism'.
But blame me, my blind, ignorant, selfish love- I IGNORED this clear and red line sign too! Asking Mrs. Riya to leave then and there.

And as she had warned, thing never got better. My child never laughed or played with me. Never behaved like an adolescent would.

Now at 16 after changing innumerable schools and hearing the children of his age pass rude and cruel taunts with no therapy or medical treatment Abhay's condition progressed to a new phase.
He had developed a violent and criminal frenzy.
And as a doting mother I was still unable to decipher those SIGNS.  If only....I had realized them even at this stage, I could have saved my child's future.

The judge's loud gavel bang broke my reverie. And I heard the unbelievable words reach my ears - 

'After listening and hearing to all the witnesses this court has come up with the decision that juvenile criminal ABHAY GUPTA, 16 years has brutally murdered his classmate on 21st August. He is awarded an imprisonment of 3 years along with rehabilitation and education.The court is adjourned for the day.'

I listened in regret more than disbelief as the court passed its judgement. My little boy Abhay was behind the bars today. My ignorance has cost him his future.I stood there like a complete loser. A helpless woman who destroyed her family.
 If only I had realized that loving my child doesn't mean over looking the imperfections.
And not taken for granted the warning signs that lay before my eyes each day, each moment, in all his gestures and actions.

If only.....

MORAL : Our strength can also become our greatest weaknesses and vice versa if not rationally channelized.
'Continuing to believe in a lie is a lot easier then accepting the truth' but one should learn to be vigilant and accept the realities no matter how harsh and painful.


Friends, the early signs of almost all diseases are the most important yet easily neglected ones. Don't be ignorant and read on to know more about them.
This post is written as a part of 'The moral of the story is...' contest by Colgate and Indiblogger.
To know more about how to keep teeth healthy and avoiding troubles check My healthy speak blog.

Not just today.....

Its not today that you left me

a long time has passed

memories and memoirs have faded

in the ocean of life, big and vast.

Its not today that I cried

hiding myself in the dark

sobs and tears are a familiar part

and cuts that leave a mark.

Its not today that I pasted an empty smile

for the fake world to see

all they know is a happy girl

who cares what's going inside me.

Its not today that I tried to let go

all that life bestowed

in the form of sufferings and pain

and hurdles on the road.

Its not today that I accepted

what life presented to me

you and I were different people

and were never meant to be 'we'.

Its not today that I heard 'let go and move on'

from folks to whom it matters not

time can never be a healer

but a mere illusionary guard.

I play with love !!

 Hide and seek. Seek and hide. A game that me and love have been playing right from the time I met it.

Some people count in 'love' as a game in itself but for me it has always been a fellow player.

A tough, ardent and possessive player.

Like most games that start from fun, frolic and tend to get dirty and intense, the players too somehow shift from being friendly to malignant. What began as a healthy competition turns into a cut-throat revenge.

Ours too has its highs and lows.

I do accept that I have been mostly on the 'hiding' side, trying my best to find a cave or curtain solitary enough to let love not find me.

Atleast not so easily.

Atleast not so quickly.

But as I said, the game gets uglier and love deceives me with his ways to catch hold of me, clutching tightly.

After all, when everything is fair for love, rules don't make much of a difference to..do they?

I dutifully accept my defeat and begin my search of 'him', the fellow player.

He is smart and his ways are unpredictable I tell u.

He hides so deep and deeper within that I am unable to track down even the shadow of it.

Days and months pass. I am able to search him not.

Neither can I give up, for its a game of life now.

And then , after million tries I finally decided to let go, to accept my defeat. I surrender finally.

Sit and reflect on my stupidity.

Promising to never play with it again. Never ever.

And suddenly, it emerges again persuading me for a new game, a new battle, a new hope- that I might win this time. Just this first and final time.

I seek again. I lose again.

but I play again.....Cunning love. Chimeric me.

Snow

Late in the evening 

snow begins to fall

little insignificant flakes

drapes mountains and homes

lush, pure and calm

like a sea painted white

serene as it flutters

gentle as in sways

In a valley exists a town

a little unheard one

with a dim lit cottage

wildflowers and soft grasses

amidst the mountain range

sits a girl besides the window pane

snow ruffles her dreams

that's her belief

in the loneliness of nights

snow flickers like hope

delighting her yearnings

sharing lost dreams

the silence of snow

talks of untold desires

on petite white flakes

swings endless mysteries.

Its a climb....

I know people change. Change so subtly that is takes days to believe the existence of something that was imperceptible before.

I know people turn their back.I have seen them hiding their faces like the evening sun which dips ever so slowly somewhere in the horizon and darkens all that's around, while you stand patiently for the dingy light to be thrust upon.

I know people back stab.I have felt them poking those incessant punches on me like the merciless winds in a vast, hot, sandy desert which away extracts all moisture and vitality and depresses one deep in the restless sand.

I know it because life blessed me with relations and thrust upon me the intricacies of dealing with people. People who promised to never change and relations which were as sturdy as huge mountains. But nothing can change the nature of change for it has to change!

And its no more surprising yet an irony as to how the most toughest of glasses shatter easily. Promises that define our being, are our strengths and hope dissolve as soon as we lean onto them perfectly.

I know it because I have leaned onto such promises completely and in a few moments there was a loud thud. so loud that it lost its audibility maybe. For nobody heard anything. But I know it because I felt the silence.

A missing part.

A dissolved promise. 

A dead relation.

Its at times surprising as to how relations build up. The sweetness tends to be dissolved in innumerable and never ending expectations. 

Expectations that climb a ladder of shattering hopes and broken promises.The trouble is we cant do much about it. Its spontaneous. No matter how tough you appear to be, you are bound to expect and be disappointed in return. I know it coz I have had my share of shattered hopes and expectations.

And not just for once but innumerable times.

I wont label my life as one of extraordinary pain or change but yes, I can proudly say that I have had my share till now. No wonder there is more to come. For the pages of destiny cant go blank.They have been filled with an ink that outlines my life. The fact is that I don't have a choice , neither does life have, we both are being played upon by something superior. For 

"he who makes my woes for me

will think about my woes

my brooding over them would be

a greater woe than those" :)

mystical dreams..... part -3

PART-1

PART-2

 "Its not just today

and never would a day come

when the world around

won't coerce me

that my existence is incomplete

without you besides me"

she whispered senselessly to her soul which appeared as insatiable as it had been years ago. 

yes! Many years had now passed but her relentless search only got deepened.

 Her friend had advised her to give it up and consult a psychiatrist however she knew well that no person by mere hallucinations or repressions could free her soul of it. 

A soul that was now completely drenched in that world of dreams. 

A soul that had now tasted the bitter sweet demeanour of forbidden magic.

she was totally possessed in it, of it and for it!! there was no way out except to wade in further.

This was NOT love, it had transformed into a limbo or maybe a state of trance which continued to get unquenchable each passing second.

she had left her job long back, her own house, family, belongings, whatever that belonged to her and to where she belonged was now simply a state...a state of nothingness and timelessness.

"the dawn is not distance, nor is the night starless;love is eternal".

she again murmured to herself trudging through by the glint of the night.

suddenly as if the whole words bedazzled or struck by lightening...she saw his face! 

It was really him standing on the other side of the road!

That same tall attractive gentleman dressed in a glossy black suit teamed with a navy blue tie..the same man who had stolen all her dreams to make them his own, that same man who dictated her entire being for years now!

She felt herself en captured by a divine spell in those long seconds, the world had widened much beyond horizons or was it shrinking onto hers?

There was pain , fright, desire, anger, impatience, irritation, excitement, pleasure all at once in her soul.

her quest had reached its brim and emotions ran like wild horses..'a few steps more and it will all be hers..this mystery would no longer haunt her soul' she thought.

He stood still at the opposite side staring at her even now.

1...2...3...she had galloped to the other side at an impulse!

crash!

xxxxx 

Her eyes open, where is she? At the middle of a road it seems!

She can feel something is wrong with her, her blood seems to ooze out slowly but there is no pain.

She lies there numb and dizzy but there was no desire to get away. Being completely aware of her fate and also the fate of the man beside her in deep slumber some distance away.

she looked at him..but alas! He is NOT there...she can now see him EVERYWHERE! all around, in all direction, at all ends!

she dare not close her eyes..is this an illusion? no it cant be!

Now he is beside her again, a faint smile lits her face as she finally closes her eyes. forever this time.

No more mirages.

No more mysteries.

Just the mystical kingdom of her dreams.

Illusions have accepted her soul in their world...realities could wait for another life now.

Hub( attraction) and Maut(Death) are but shades of an eternal journey called love!

xxx THE END xxx 

CREDITS: 

Ancient Arabic Literature says that there are Seven Shades of Love - 1. Hub (Attraction), 2. Uns (Infatuation), 3. Ishq (Love), 4.Aquidat (Reverence), 5. Ibadat (Worship), 6. Junoon (Obsession) and 7. Maut (Death) [ Read it as a friend's status on Facebook ]

Thanks to one of my sweetest friend in blog-o-sphere Sadiya Merchant for giving me the inspiration and much needed motivation to pen up something which was very close to my heart yet I had no idea how to put it up in words :-)

a love not forgotten....

Twenty stairs

a perching bird

I stand here

behind the church

one misty morning

you caught my sight

I still remember

that blue shirt with red stripes

again we met

in a party

destined it was

began our story

time flew off

in its habitual way

silent whispers

yet volumes they'd say

parched roads turned lush

wildflowers bloomed

moon crescented much

as our love groomed

I knew not

we created memories

someday it will

be my prized victory

you stole my soul

reasons unknown

my heart still yearns

distressed, forlorn

the places we strolled

the songs we sang

those long happy drives

on city's outskirts

and then suddenly

you had to leave

a bitter reality

to believe

called you were

to the war-front

axing my dreams

you walked off dear soldier

the day you returned

I was euphoric

running wildly

untrammelled and free

you stood there

a proud warrior

your smile shone

charming like ever

but..who was she?

I stepped back to know

maybe his mistress

the crowd implied

still and tizzy

I stood and watched

our past memories

dismantled and dislodged

you held her hand

and went inside

people followed 

ignoring my plight

you took oaths

of marital bliss

the church bell rang

uncertain of my grief

long years have passed

seasons flown and drown

oft-returning birds

yet a sturdy me

still stands there

twenty stairs

a perching bird

unforgotten you....undying love!!

 

PS : The image above is what inspired me to pen down this poem!

the arrival of spring.....

It was a Christmas eve.Chilly winds and jingle bells clashed time and again to create a festive music that left the air cheerful.

The entire town was busy preparing for Christmas. Trees were adorned with colourful balls, bells, silvery stars and holly leaves in a ritualistic fashion. Children passionately awaited the arrival of Santa Claus who was believed to sleigh around bringing goodies and gifts.

Somewhere in the same town amidst all the festivities was a house...a small dark house.The crescent moon flowed silvery light on the glass window. A sound of weak coughing could be heard every now and then.

It belonged to an old , bed ridden lady living her final moments.

There was nothing dinky...with ragged curtains, unplastered walls , a bed with squeaking legs and some neatly kept utensils in a corner. The fireplace looked neglected, as if not been used for ages now and the only light was due to a candle kept nearby. It was a cold, bitterly cold winter.

"water...water.. " cried the lady. Struggling to breath.

A little hand poured water in a steel glass and with a spoon dropped a drop or two slowly in the ladies mouth.

"no more" said she and closed her eyes again.

This house belonged to two other creatures.

A little boy of about 12 years and a caged bird.

"jingle bell...jingle bell..." they heard a sound which symbolized it was finally time for Christmas, a time to celebrate and make merry but this house remained dark and silent. As if the God of festivities had forgot to paint it red.

another bout of cough...

"Today is Christmas eve and i long to meet my parents , my fiends" said the little boy to the caged bird.

"its been 4 years since i saw them" , he continued in the same unvarying habitual tone.

"my friends and siblings would have grown up like me. celebrating Christmas. I also want to go, let me go, let me go.."  he cried in a pathetic voice as if pleading to his own self.

the bird sat still and hushed, maybe it too sympathized with the poor child and desired freedom for itself.

"water my child...just one last time.." came in the horsed breathless voice.

the boy startled and in a fickle of an eye dipped a spoonful of water but alas! the breath had stopped and the heart had given up on beating.

the little boy stood there motionless and cold.

darkness grew intense and candle flickered confusingly on which place to project the light.

"we wish you a merry Christmas.."  another group passed by singing carols.

after a few moments of absolute stillness..the boy got up and grabbed the candle in his hand...and cupped the flickering flame. He moved towards the cage.

"you are free dear birdy and so am I...its time to celebrate freedom..and welcome the commencement of a new journey..." he said in a snivelling tone..and let open the cage...dragging his footsteps..he too walked through the door...

they were all free....the lady, the boy and the bird....'but when one journey ends, another begins......'

PS : And am finally back to my blog....although am not apologetic for staying away coz padhai bhi zaruri hai na :P but will surely be devoting time to this space of mine..hope to see u around folks! :))

Hope kills...

Hope kills

yes it does

a sharp weapon

that prods relentlessly.

moments ago

a momentary respite

you got up

brushing tears aside

all seemed well

in control

unlocking the door

bridling worries

you march ahead

nature soothes

bolstering you up

are trespassers

and slowly 'hope' crepts in

back and revived.

you loose guard

mistaking it for-ever

but vicissitude is inevitable

inexorable

a blowing jerk

and its ripped off

throbbing beats slowing down

gasping for air

a momentary respite

moments ago

another jab

now no more

told you my friend

hope kills.......

PS : I have tried depicting a circle which defines 'hope' in our lives. Its actually a viscous one...killing us one moment and compelling us to 'hope' on the very next....but then thats my view point, you are welcome to let those imaginary horses gallop wild and free and interpret the words in your own way :)

haiku challenge day-22

ascending in mist

a delusion or reality?

God's hidden game

written for the

Haiku challenge - day 1

wings flutter slowly

dreams advance beyond horizons

as birds glide.






written for the

Go ahead- live your life !

When a relation goes wrong our first reaction is one of an unperturbed viewer. we don't realize that it now breaths its last and very soon the dangling pieces will crash aloud leaving us alone. Maybe, our brain is malfunctioned to handle innumerable painful flushes of unexpected emotion and becomes numb for a while.

After the initial state of silence,the inertia takes its toll and every single change is resisted in its best possible yet least spirited manner.But the threads of that unhemmed relation keep on pulling up for who can stop it? One feels 'if only I hadn't said that' or 'If only I would have been able to do this'...knowing deep inside that all is and was in vain and when the end thread loses it hold..the pain , the anger and an array of uncontrolled , unknown ,unsaid sentiments sets in.

Every moment seems impassable and each little thing sings out the loveliest of memories loud and clear, breaking the heart a thousand times and wetting those eyes more. Life seizes to have a meaning and loneliness is both a respite and a dreaded feeling.

all one knows and believes is 'nothing can now make me better' and 'no matter how much time passes I will be falling more and more in this bottomless pit' and just as this belief cements permanently and firmly, life starts gathering reasons to get you up, to heal your soul and bring back a gift so precious to be wasted on anything and anyone -your life.

It never happens in a single day, like the making of a bond even breaking is equally untraceable but it just happens.The love returns, the smiles spread again and eyes now twinkle with another set of dreams.waiting to be heard, explored and made true.

Life has to go on and it sure moves on a road so bumpy,a little slow at one point and rushing alarmingly on the other, avoiding or rising above the hurdles.But that's what gives a destination where you reach and a meaning that you cherish.

It implores us to remember that "even if the whole world vanishes at some point of time you still live your breaths so how can life stop on a breaking of a bond"?  

It implores you to understand that  "Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.”

It implores you to accept that "You have to forgive to forget, and forget, to feel again.”

Go ahead - live your life :)

HERE I COME !!!

For hours, days and months,

I kept hoping that you'll come,

But never came that awaited hour,

never were my hopes fulfilled.

Each and every days was a promise,

that I will get you back today,

each and every night,

a dark lonely soul crushed for having been failed.

Mere words can't express,

the damage that you did,

a soul so hurt,

a friendship crushed and killed.

But know that I am stopping it all now and here,

I don't know how to begin again,

tired I am and probably don't care.

Soon I will be picking up the pieces,

the ones that don't hurt,

and little by little I will join them together,

slowly they will have the power to heal.

Heal my broken trust,

heal my empty soul,

heal my suffering self-respect,

and then I will be back on it again,

ready to let go.

Moving on to better relations,

smiling and making the world smile,

appreciating all the beauty that lies in the world,

and letting it touch my inner soul.

Today is the end of a broken bond,

and fondly I bury it up,

because its only when we close a door behind us,

that a new door, a new life,

that awaits us - WELCOMES US.

SO HERE I COME...HERE I COME !!!

( Image courtesy - Google image search )