Where I belong.

My fast paced life seems to have come to a screeching halt. Not even a screech actually, just a silent stop. Engulfing me is a weird feeling. Like I have been running for a long time and almost suddenly I reached a dead end. The end of a road with only darkness. An authoritative darkness. This is not a crossroad, where I am supposed to chose a path. I have come face to face with a crossroad too, trust me, this isn't that. This is a cul-de-sac with no options, no choices.

Life seems meaningless. Pointless. Directionless.
Its not as if I am unsatisfied or depressed, its just that everything and everyone seems futile. My friends and acquaintances appear as mere passing phase. I talk to them, laugh with them but I don't feel a part of that conversation or that joke. I feel unaccustomed to living in this strange world around me. As if, this is not where I belong. Or this is some transient destination in which I have stayed for too long and that I should now, depart. To a familiar place, towards my journey's end. 

And like someone who is fed up of waiting for the scheduled bus for too long, loses interest in his surroundings, I too am nonchalant to all that encircles me.

This apathy of my weakening soul is completely new for me. Never have I experienced such a dead end. This desire to dwell somewhere I am not sure exists. Even if it exists, how am I supposed to reach there? My path to progress has been dismantled. My dreams not shattered but abducted.
Until now, I had been a very optimistic person, always finding a speck of light among the darkest of dudgeons but right now, its different. 

I can't even say that its time to move on or start afresh because from where should I begin and to where am I supposed to move on?

Is it some sort of a cruel ugly game or a sleep disturbing nightmare? I hope it is and it ends soon. Very soon. Else this grave like atmosphere would gobble me slowly but surely. 
I am dying to struggle, to fight. To barge again into this shattering world of cut throats and selfish smiles. To run again. And faster. To feel that yes, I do belong here. Somewhere. Anywhere.

Not just today.....

Its not today that you left me

a long time has passed

memories and memoirs have faded

in the ocean of life, big and vast.

Its not today that I cried

hiding myself in the dark

sobs and tears are a familiar part

and cuts that leave a mark.

Its not today that I pasted an empty smile

for the fake world to see

all they know is a happy girl

who cares what's going inside me.

Its not today that I tried to let go

all that life bestowed

in the form of sufferings and pain

and hurdles on the road.

Its not today that I accepted

what life presented to me

you and I were different people

and were never meant to be 'we'.

Its not today that I heard 'let go and move on'

from folks to whom it matters not

time can never be a healer

but a mere illusionary guard.

'Tryst with a night'

This is not the first time that I sit under the open sky admiring its vastness. Stars like dew on delicate petals attract me ever since I learnt to recite 

'Twinkle, twinkle little star

how I wonder what you are

up above the world so high

like a diamond in the sky'

Back then and even today I genuinely wonder what they are? Keeping aside the elaborate and complex explanations presented in the physics textbooks, that's not alluring in the least!

I visualize them through the depth of my eyes and the window of my soul. I trust them more than the complicated and ever changing theories of physics. However it still is a mystery. A mystery that unfolds every night. Night after night.

To me its a different world. A world so serene, a world so secure. Why can't the stars and the mushy breeze stay with me, within me forever?

They say that after every night comes a bright day but it never sounds pleasing to me.Instead I want to be blanketed in the laps of this night. Caressed by the winds and protected by the sky.

This tryst with the night is ever so beautiful, so fascinating and so mysterious.

Plunging into the colossal sky I experience freedom and let my mind wander with those mysteries. hugging them tight.

Walking over the known and the unknown together is a passion infinitely pleasurable.

Gossiping into the ear of night those little words of joy and sorrow, the turmoils of the sun.

I have trusted this tryst with innumerable songs. The soft winds press upon me kisses so enchanting that I touch the divine and the divine swathes me.

PS - Written on one such night....this tryst continues till the suns ray breaks my reverie....

Ice.

I have reached a state
when desires seem to melt away.

When the flame of reality is so powerful
all illusions seem to retreat.

When the sting of past pains is so strong
expectations seem to comatose.

Life is still - hushed by nothing, spirited by none

No passions to overrule, no desires to out rule.

The silence is so loud
neither clock ticks, nor the heart beats.

There is nothing to lose and I am winning nothing. 

For victory and defeat aren't game enough for such tranquility.

The wheel of time turns not, no breeze blows, waves seize to touch the shore.

Sorrows of past affect me not and future holds no promises for me.

No evil spirits or Angels guard me.
I have neither friends nor foes.

There are only mirrors, those endless reflecting surfaces
whose ray pave their way to one place - Me

But, this is not an end...not even a beginning...

then what exactly is it?

Not a love story.

He ditched me again today.  This thought had always escorted itself with a wish. A wish of him abandoning me for ever. But maybe, infact  most certainly playing with my feelings was his favourite game, a pass time and an addiction.

I sat on my terrace, watching the infinite sky yet my mind wandered in the vicinity.

'Hi baby! am back' he startled me with his usual tone and pecked my cheeks.

I managed a smile, a bitter one but he realized not. After all I was a mere play board for him.

'the sky looks so beautiful and you are equally gorgeous. So lets dance, c'mon give me your hand'

He notoriously offered his hand to me. 

I sat still eyeing the floor as if ignorant to his deceptions and frauds.

The reality was that he couldn't understand what went within me.

Its indeed strange how love, which made you so strong once could turn into your biggest weakness.

And the pain which is suppose to make you weak can provide you strength to endure so much.

I gave him my hand - again.

There had been a time when his slight touch, even his gaze could set my heart racing and blood gushing.

Today, however in spite of us being so close I felt nothing. All emotions eluded me. 

He started stroking my hair and gently whispered 'you are the most important part of my life'

I died a little more inside.

Its sad but like happiness, pain isn't infectious. 

It never 'spreads out' rather 'seeps deep in' and kills you moment by moment. word by word.

We then sat like a perfect couple.  'baby I cant imagine my world without you' 

He once again throw ed his friendly dice.

I died a little more inside.

People may wonder why I said nothing. Some of you may even verdict my act as naive or pity me but I choose to experience it and let the agony kill my love.

 

Coz harbouring mixed feelings is his trait. 

For me its absolute - either perfect love or pure hatred.

Till then I choose to nurture hatred like I once intoxicated your love.

I choose to suffer in silence.

contour of memories

An indistinct frame

follows me

although petite but

with an aura of authority

drawing a sharp notice

its clumsy and curious being

with an untimely arrival

like a wintry mist of familiarity

Carrying a heavy luggage

a bandwagon of emotions

throwing me in a dudgeon

deep, dark and silent

like splinters in hits

or a void of realizations

a 'breathing' bullet

piercing and lingering

a flight of retrospection

caged and restricted

it takes me to a place

so familiar yet so hostile

I have known it well

as a frequent visitor

who unlike my own shadow

walks besides me

Never will this image

leave me in solitude

in moments of serenity

it will hunt and haunt me

As time flows by

I am afraid that it shall rule

my forlorn nights

and long summer days

this contour of memories...

PS : I found this pic a little creepy and the ironical part is, although my poem endorses such an abstract idea, it somehow depicts it pretty well. Google, you intrigue me!

2 hours- I choose 'living' over 'winning'

The very thought of procuring an extra two hours a day feels like a free dish on my platter or a prayer answered when you least expected it or maybe a surprise top -up recharge on my usually low on balance cell phone!

In a jiffy with an energy of a shooting star I found myself scribbling out various activities I'd do in those 'extra cheese' on my pizza hours :-D

Courtesy- Google image search

from Shopping to Sleeping               

Cooking to Cleaning

Reading to Roaming

Phone calls to Friends...

my list en wrapped NOT just everything humanly possible but also wild fantasies like Time travel and Tolerating the neighborhood aunt's rants!

However, as soon as the initial excitement and euphoria subsided I realized that we have always heard people say ' this world's a playground' although the only sports I observe people 'playing' now a days is 'athletics' (it includes me as well) . Yes, running, jumping and throwing! Running endlessly, mindlessly and often aimlessly day after day for months and years to reach the end of an infinite path.

In this era of eternal rushing when 24 hours cease to suffice, what difference will two additional hours make? what I will end up doing is a little more of this endless running!

So I decided to pursue something beyond monotony of everyday - 'to slow down a bit'!
For its better to 'LIVE' than to 'WIN' this race of life!

To let that athlete in me experience a whiff of wind, 

the green of tress and red of rose, 

the sound of lub-dub when my heart beats and millions of such marvels which go unnoticed each day.

I decided 

I will let people stand ahead of me in a queue,

wait patiently for the second bus and let an old lady take my seat in the first one instead. 

I will let a fellow customer get her billing done first,

talk to that child with special needs on the bus stand for there is no rush to reach college ,

oil my mom's hair,

listen patiently to my grand mom's late night stories, 

play with my younger brother for some minutes more,

chase the butterflies like in childhood days,
read even those 'longer than average' post on blogs,

water my plants more often,

relish even the second serving of my dessert,
sit beside the window with my huge coffee mug,

love myself more for proudly being me,

and just when those 120 minutes bid farewell- 

thank Almighty for blessing my  LONG day! :-)

courtesy- Google image search

 

This post has been written for 'SURF EXCEL MATIC #get smart' contest hosted by Indiblogger. You can fave it HERE.

Unimpeded....

Taking hold of me

from dawn to dusk

and dusk to dawn

in blooms and flush

desires never die

unconsciously they lie

flourishing like weeds

causing untold miseries

spinning concentric webs

thread by thread

entangling and breaking, entangling again

futile is to impede

amorphous kindling aspirations

setting up wildly like a storm

rooting deep to the deepest

outgrowing the tallest of trees

I fight and I resist

those arrays of emotions

but there is no holding them

futile is to impede

neither meaningful words

nor soulful talks

can subdue those temptations

and futile is to impede....