Where I belong.

My fast paced life seems to have come to a screeching halt. Not even a screech actually, just a silent stop. Engulfing me is a weird feeling. Like I have been running for a long time and almost suddenly I reached a dead end. The end of a road with only darkness. An authoritative darkness. This is not a crossroad, where I am supposed to chose a path. I have come face to face with a crossroad too, trust me, this isn't that. This is a cul-de-sac with no options, no choices.

Life seems meaningless. Pointless. Directionless.
Its not as if I am unsatisfied or depressed, its just that everything and everyone seems futile. My friends and acquaintances appear as mere passing phase. I talk to them, laugh with them but I don't feel a part of that conversation or that joke. I feel unaccustomed to living in this strange world around me. As if, this is not where I belong. Or this is some transient destination in which I have stayed for too long and that I should now, depart. To a familiar place, towards my journey's end. 

And like someone who is fed up of waiting for the scheduled bus for too long, loses interest in his surroundings, I too am nonchalant to all that encircles me.

This apathy of my weakening soul is completely new for me. Never have I experienced such a dead end. This desire to dwell somewhere I am not sure exists. Even if it exists, how am I supposed to reach there? My path to progress has been dismantled. My dreams not shattered but abducted.
Until now, I had been a very optimistic person, always finding a speck of light among the darkest of dudgeons but right now, its different. 

I can't even say that its time to move on or start afresh because from where should I begin and to where am I supposed to move on?

Is it some sort of a cruel ugly game or a sleep disturbing nightmare? I hope it is and it ends soon. Very soon. Else this grave like atmosphere would gobble me slowly but surely. 
I am dying to struggle, to fight. To barge again into this shattering world of cut throats and selfish smiles. To run again. And faster. To feel that yes, I do belong here. Somewhere. Anywhere.

Love.Pain.Betray.

Attachments are beyond the control and regulations of human realms. No matter how ironical it may seem but the games our own mind plays are so deceitful that we fail to perceive them and mindlessly keep getting sucked into this whirlpool.
While we happily pass our day laughing and chattering, our cunning brain keeps using them to create love and attachment on the hindsight.

No enemy can betray as brutally

As our own beating hearts

Yesterday sprouted the love seeds

Today my desires bleed and depart

Without any prior consent or signatures,it continues to create love potions in our soul and we let it exploit us like a misinformed consumer. 

How fair is it?! To which it instills a reply of 'everything being fair in love and war'. That reminds me of the fairer sex which gladly lets the mind not just play games but is also enslaved in the pretext of love.

Long talks of love and yearning

Ringing giggles, a charming smile

Unquestionably my heart accepted

Forever, you shall be mine

Running behind someone is the worst poison one can give himself. It leaves you totally empty, hollow and consumed.

During the April days of any relation, our heart is full of hopes. Beaming with zeal and an energetic sunshine. It conspires with the mind and together they create a delusionary image of 'forever' without realising that no two hearts can beat as one, no two souls can synchronise in a similar passionate frenzy. 

Time continues to cement this belief until one fateful night, cold and chilly winds of reality start blowing. They are piercing and dry, jabbing and jarring away every delusion of a soothing sunshine.

You are palpitating and sweating

crushed to the core

But you can't stop running behind

who never was and never will be yours.

Hidden, screened, walled - the real us!

“To be natural is such a very difficult pose to keep up”.  Oscar Wilde

Have you ever been to a party and managed to be genuinely yourself? Without adjusting your tie or smoothing off your hair. No apprehensions when you walked, no mental counter checking of the words spoken or no suppression of overwhelming desire to laugh? I am sure most of the socially conscious people are able to understand the underlying meaning and will respond in negative. We all try to appear as the most ‘culturally sophisticated’ beings in a social gathering and neglect our ‘real selves’ entirely for a while.

And that’s precisely what happens when we sit in front of our PC and chit chat with a stranger, a colleague or even a friend on a ‘social platform’. Maybe our mental attire alters more than physical one but there are changes nonetheless.

Scientific studies too point out that a person is most comfortable when he is alone, amidst his own self or with people extremely close to him. And his level of ease declines when the number of people in his vicinity increases. Then how can one except his mind to be in a state of tranquility and natural true self in front of virtually a whole wide world??!!

The fact is that our brain automatically starts manipulating itself so as to ‘fit in’ the moment we type in www i.e., World Wide Web.

So much so for the ‘sub conscious’ state of mind.

Now, coming to the ‘conscious’ mortal chatting or putting up ‘updates’ on the various social networking sites.

Majority of us put forward our best foot much similar to how we act in our real lives when going to a marriage or a party, your first day at college or on a newly secured job. We tend to pick out the most apt words and present ourselves as a gentle, liberal friendly guy/girl even though our own genuine self maybe poles apart.

There is another class of people who believe in the mantra that virtual world is a place to crib and so they tend to pile up all their melancholy via various updates and uploads. These people are generally the ones who either suffer from an extremely low self-esteem or aren’t well adapted to the highs and lows of a life in reality.

Then there also exists a group of morons who are a malaise to the ‘virtual world’ identical to the ones we encounter in reality.

The point is that ‘whatever be the class of people, they are neither consciously nor sub-consciously themselves on any part of the World Wide Web’.

Reasons could range from our extreme dependency to easy popularity gained on social platforms. Plus it often happens that when we meet people in bone and flesh , imperfections are bound to appear while on the contrarily virtual media conceals all such human faults so the idea of faking perfect identity is not just more luring but also a sort of necessary gesture.

As Eddie Murphy said “All men are sculptors, constantly chipping away the unwanted parts of their lives, trying to create their idea of a masterpiece”.

The problem is the too much of sculpting can create even greater and more prominent flaws.

Such identity crisis is dismantling the idea of ‘being human’ and relations seem to loose their essential flavours.  Unconsciously, sub-consciously and more often consciously we are engaged in preparing a ‘tasteless curry’ without emotions and reality has already taken a back seat.

I began by quoting the great Oscar Wilde, and now I would like to end it by another quote of his:

“One's real life is often the life that one does not lead”.

In the tech savvy era of ours this quote somehow seems to make a lot more sense. Don’t you think so?

PS: this is an old post which couldn't get posted on my blog due to some reasons.