Teaching me to fly again...

Life is a long trail of ups and downs. Sometimes, we find ourselves reaching a peak of ecstasy whereas at other moments we lie deep down amidst the bottomless roots.

 These unforgettable instances of life teach us a million new things of importance and build in us a courage as sturdy as a mountain. The irony is that we tend to remember the low points in our lives more distinctly and easily than the moments of elation. 

Maybe, pain resonates at a much more closer and deeper level than happiness. Or maybe, we as humans find peace in glorifying our pains.

Although, at times when God seems to test us beyond our capabilities, we get too immersed in the very idea of pain and fail to glorify or justify it. At times like these, we need to share it. We need to vent it out. We need someone who can at least take off the burden of our problem, even if it be a delusional thing to do.

A few years back when I was going through an exceptionally bad phase in my life I realized how a simple act of sharing my woes could provide me an optimism to carry on and win back my confidence.

I had lost a loved one, my best friend had snapped all contacts with me, my mother was quite unwell and I was not in talking terms with my elder brother due to some stupid reasons. In short, life was totally drenched in gloom and I could not find any reason to hope for the arrival of spring.

It was not feasible to share my troubles with my mom because of her health issues and my best friend was nowhere in sight to lend me a helping hand. So basically, I was left alone to tackle this emotional torture. 

It was during those days, I had got back in touch with a teacher of mine through Facebook. She used to teach me mathematics and English when I was a primary school student, later she married and went to Australia. She was more than a teacher to me and I adored her for all the special attention I got from her, be it watching movies together or enjoying a day out shopping.

So naturally when I got back in touch with her we began writing to each other every day and sharing all the nutty-gritty’s of life. It was in one of those mails that I wrote to her how my life was a complete mess at that time and I out poured all that accumulated within me in that email to her.

She called me the same day in the evening and I started crying hysterically on the phone. We talked for more than an hour that day. She poured in the much needed words of optimism and wisdom.

Then she used to call me every day and like an elder sister, she would keep uplifting my spirits and helping me move on. Slowly, I started to cry less and talk more. She even suggested me a few books that really bought back the optimism in me.

 It’s true that our loved ones are angels sent by God to lift us up when our own wings have trouble remembering how to fly. Being #together is the ultimate joy of life and although it may sound cliched but happiness doubles when shared and sorrow truly vanishes when we have a shoulder to cry on!

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Today is a new day!

As soon as I boarded the Hyderabad-Rajdhani express, tears welled-up my already moist eyes. I could see my mom’s sad face through the train’s Pyrex glass, it spoke of emotions untold. 

For an instant I wanted to run to her and then run back to my home. The train started moving inch by inch and I closed my eyes ever so tightly to not let any emotion, not even a thought get into me for a long time.

 When I opened my eyes, the train had picked up speed for a destination which was soon to be my destiny.

“Why on earth, life bestowed me with such a big change?” I thought to myself.

Although I had always secretly desired to live alone and experience the satisfaction of being on my own. “oh! What a pleasure it would be to do everything according to my moods and whims” I used to say. But today when life had finally given me a chance of liberty and freedom, I so desperately wanted to undo this change. Yes, we homo-sapiens are wired that way. Never content with the current situation.

Days passed and I still couldn't admit this change of being away from family and my city.

My training had already started and I was thankful for that. At least half of the day passed pleasantly at work. 

Whenever my mom or dad called me, I would find it so hard to swallow my tears and hide the hoarse voice, crying in the middle of every sentence.

Back in those days I felt that my misery would continue for an entire period of 2 years and it had started to affect my training too. When I was in Delhi, I had underestimated the hardships of living alone and now I was regretting that very thought.

Time continued to pass at its own pace. I finally made some friends, all of them from different cities of India living alone like me but certainly not anyone seemed as miserable as I did. So that was when I decided to let change seep in through me. To accept it and let it walk besides me in life. Not just today or in this city but all through my life.

I began enjoying roaming about the city on my own, company of good books, pleasures of cooking and eating on my own and above all enjoying my own freedom. Each passing day, I was thrilled at how much life could offer if only we kept this internal resistance to change at bay.

My training is over and I am finally going back to Delhi in 2 weeks but these 2 years at Hyderabad will be etched in my memory forever. They have taught me a million things and made me learn the eccentricities of life in infinite ways. I am no more a shy, imbecile girl who took months to accept a change in her life. I am confident and ready to face life head-on.

I now truly believe that if we have the optimism and courage to #StartANewLife each day, I am very sure that life would be generous enough to grant us with not just one but many hundred reasons to do so every day.

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Emily,my love!

Children are God’s most delightful as well as delicate gift. Mere sight of these angels can brighten anyone’s day and their smiles are the most powerful stress buster in the entire universe.

Blessed was the day when Emily was born. My little, fluffy bundle of happiness. She is exceptionally beautiful. Big twinkling eyes that speak love, arched brows, a tiny nose and even tinier lips. I could spend my entire life just by looking at her. She was a part of me and that made my beam with pride.

Time passed quickly and Emily is now almost 2 years old. She is a bagful of naughtiness I must say. Keeping me on my toes round the clock. My Emily is growing into an intelligent and smart little darling and she loves doing all things new.
Everything that seems unique and different catches her sight and she would make these frantic hand and leg movements to get it. Bright and lively colours are her favourite.

Emily also loves to play pee-a-boo and as soon as she catches me behind the curtain, I can hear her happily jumping and exclaiming “boo-boo-boo”! She loves listening to stories too. As soon as I fan a book in front of her saying ‘Emi baby, its story time!” She immediately adjusts herself and lies down still. Oh! My cute attentive listener.

But her favourite activity is watching cartoons. Yes! She seems to never get tired of them. She gets so crazily excited seeing Tom and Jerry fight or Pingu-the penguin play that she won’t let me switch it off even after almost an hour.
 Pink panther is her favourite show and no wonder; it was/is my favourite too. So watching pink panther is our most enjoyable moment together. 

But about a month back, I found Emily restless. She was whining every on and off. Didn't seem to enjoy her stories, not even cartoons. I was quite upset and worried. Emily has been a very cheerful baby up until now.

Then suddenly while pink panther was buffering on you tube, I chanced upon this video advertisement of pampers-

Then it incurred to me that maybe she was wet and irritated. Immediately I checked her for any leakage and found it to be totally wet and soaked. My baby’s moist skin was almost peeling out because of the acidic wetness.
 I had made my darling wear something which couldn't even keep her comfortable. How foolish and stupid of me, I thought. 
The very same day, I switched to pampers.
 Emily was smiling again. The whining and wetness were now bygones!

We both now enjoy hours of story telling and cartoon watching without the worries of she being wet. I can feel her at ease, all thanks to pampers!

 Now a days, I am making her learn to speak new words and she is catching up pretty fast. Whenever she manages to make little progress, I kiss and compliment her and she jumps up and down frantically in excitement and happiness. There is no leakage and wetness. A dry baby is surely, a happiest baby.

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The end of a tunnel...

Life is an amalgamation of uncountable moments. Some are forgotten and tugged beneath the winds of time while others are released slowly from our memories, dead and unimportant. However, a handful of them dominate the zillion others and they truly make an impression. Not just on our minds but also on our souls. These moments stand by you forever, ever ready to be remembered, to be played on and re- winded.

As I sit immersed in nostalgia holding a mug of coffee with both hands I am suddenly travelling along this impressionable moment back from my school days. It’s been almost 5 years now but whenever I encounter a wave of despair, I find myself immediately travelling to the year 2010. 

The year of utter hopelessness, disappointments, failures and just about everything that can pull you down. Low. Where there is nothing. Nothing except darkness, depth and dirt. Where begins life and where it meets its end. Ironical, isn't it?

 So I lay there, almost the whole of 2010. But by the time I entered the spring of next year, I was blooming. Blooming and brimming, with optimism. Just like that. The kind of optimism that continues to grow in me even now. You ask me how?

I will begin this story again.

It was in May that this realization dawned completely upon me. I had not been able to clear a single pre-medical test in spite of wasting an year doing rounds of coaching centers , madly turning the pages of over a fifty different books and burning the midnight oil each night.
 I felt I had reached a dead end. 
There was no way out. 
Until now I had believed in the dictum that ‘God never tests us beyond our capabilities’ but I had exhausted all my capabilities and God continued to test me. Fail me. Disappoint me.

 I used to cry every single night. Sometimes a silent sob, on other nights a loud animal wail. Praying to God to guide me. To magically let me fly through the end of this dark tunnel. 
No answers.

Then one day I chanced upon a story of a man whose wife had left him for another man and how he was taking care of his four kids and bearing the pain of this ditching lover. 
I read other story of a girl fighting OCD and an irresistible urge to cut and let herself bleed. Another, of a woman abandoned by her only son. 
Next, of a girl brutally raped by her husband. 
Another, then another.
That day I read almost a 100 stories of people suffering. Of people in despair and depression. In the middle of their own dark tunnels, fighting for a way out.

Suddenly my trouble seemed so meaningless and stupid. 
“Failing to clear a PMT, that’s all you've got?” I could hear my conscience ask me. 
I simply shrugged. Suddenly, I was able to see light! Yes! I could see a plethora of new avenues, new professions waiting to welcome me. 
I could feel the zeal to start afresh. I could feel optimism rushing through my blood.

This feeling of clearing an exam of hardships meant much more than clearing a meager medical test. I was exhilarated with a burst of positive energy.

It took a long year of ‘being nothing’ to be able to rise to a new morning of optimism. My moment of optimism. 

Now I truly believe that these moments of optimism are like the sun, they keep illuminating us and instilling this confidence that if we could survive it back then, why not today?

I am writing this piece in hope that maybe someone, somewhere needs to identify his moment of optimism today and this shall provide a much needed push. 
So you can shrug your problems off and bask in the glory of warm light that await you at the end of your tunnel. 
Good luck and much love!

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